Only You Can Prevent Snakefires



A woman in Texas recently became the latest victim of a rash of snake-based crime. From the famous all-snake planejacking crew that was foiled by the efforts of FBI agent Samuel L. Jackson to their affiliations with the Nazi Party as discovered by adventurer archaeologist Harrison Ford, snakes have proven themselves to be a menace to society, as this poor Texas woman discovered.

The woman was reportedly cleaning her backyard when she was ambushed by the aforementioned snake, which brutally attacked her by doing absolutely nothing but happening to fall within her line of sight. Seeing as she didn’t have the sword of Godric Gryffindor on standby, the woman went with the logical Plan B of pouring gasoline on the snake and having her son set it on fire.

To the surprise of the woman and exactly no one else, the snake did not meekly raise its nonexistent hands in surrender and quietly expire after being immolated but, instead, slithered off in the hopes of extinguishing itself somehow. In the process, the enflamed snake ignited the woman’s house as well as that of her neighbor.

“We tried to stop it,” she later said of the incident, “but that snake was as slippery as a…as a, um. Hang on, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Give me a moment.” The woman never did remember what it was the snake reminded her of, just that it was an animal known for being cunning and hard to grab ahold of. readme can only assume it will forever remain a mystery for the ages.

But there is a silver lining to this sad tale, and that is that it proves snakes are not to be trusted. If they can commit arson, who knows what else they’re capable of? Yes, no one was injured this time, but the next victims might not be so lucky. As the case of this woman proves, these snakes are nothing but criminals. A bunch of low-down, dirty…oh, what was that word. Dammit, readme, you know this. It’s an animal…likes to hiss. Geese? Shit, whatever. Snakes are a bunch of low-down somethings that are sneaky and untrustworthy. Maybe opossums or something, I don’t know. The point is they have to be stopped, hopefully without the use of fire this time.

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