Ohio Shits Self So Much: Must Wear Diaper


readme has a shameful confession to make. Though readme has long kept its origin story a secret, it can no longer lie to its audience: readme is two-fifths Ohioan. We know this may come as a shock, given the moral bankruptcy the state has shown as of late, but there is such a thing as overcoming one’s origins… Even when the origin is Ohio.

After the Steubenville scandal, readme was relieved; surely, this was the last humiliating thing Ohio would do. After Ohio passed a bill that would ban gay marriage from being legalized last year and excused the behavior of rapists, readme figured that things couldn’t get any worse.

Clearly, readme jinxed itself. Less than a week later, a teen school-shooter wearing a hand-made “KILLER” t-shirt said at his trial, “This hand that pulled the trigger that killed your sons now masturbates to the memory”. Upon first hearing of the tragedy, readme attributed the story to the misled actions of other satire publications like the Onion or CNN.

Upon realizing that the story was not, in fact, made up, readme was relieved that it had escaped its home in Ohio to move to sunny Pittsburgh, PA, but wasn’t sure this was good enough. It might have to join the ranks of its ex-Ohioan brethren as astronauts. For these 25 Ohio-escapees and for readme, fleeing Earth is the only option.

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