Conflict Kitchen, a Pittsburgh restaurant dedicated to serving food from countries America hates (because foreigners hate freedom and apple pie), has teamed up with Gordon Ramsay to create a new reality show. In Ramsay’s new show, Conflict Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay travels to failing restaurants in foreign countries and teaches them how to cook like freedom-loving Americans. readme knows Ramsay is British, but we don’t give a shit because British food sucks. Eat a dick, shepard’s pie.
The show’s pilot episode takes Ramsay to Iran to visit Ahmadinejad’s Kebab Enrichment Facility. The restaurant’s owner “Mark” Ahmadinejad uses only the finest equipment to produce the tastiest kebabs in the Middle East. When Ramsay asked about what the multiple giant centrifuges in the kitchen were for, “Mark” shifted his eyes back and forth and claimed they were used “To lock in flavor.” Ramsay, not being an official Kebab Expert, accepted this explanation without complaint. It also explains the giant tanks of water (for making soup), the reactor rods (adds flavor better than wooden sticks), and the multiple Geiger counters (we got nothing).
Lacking anything remotely useful to say, Ramsay resorted to his usual clichés. “THERE’S SAND IN THESE FUCKING KEBABS!” was yelled multiple times, ignoring both profanity guidelines and the sand-heavy diet of the proud Iranian people. After yelling multiple hilarious racist expletives that if readme printed would constitute a hate crime, Ramsay forced the Kebab Enrichment Facility to be shut down. “Mark” was notably displeased by his restaurant closing, but after some complaining and denying the Holocaust, he allowed inspectors to shut down his restaurant.
On the next episode of Conflict Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay travels to North Korea to sample Pyongyang’s famous kimchee hexafluoride.