The Truth of the Spy Major

I’m sure you’ve all heard rumors about Carnegie Mellon’s elusive spy major. I’m sure you think it’s nothing but a joke, a silly ploy for laughs. I, too, once thought as you did. I now know better, but I also know that it’s far too late for me to save myself. All I can do is give a warning so that no hapless CMU student ends up where I am now.

It started with a simple StuCo. At first, I didn’t think it could possibly be so bad. After all, I’d heard that anyone who passed the class got an automatic A. I didn’t think to ask what happened to those who failed. That was only my first mistake.

The class was deceptively simple at first. Our homework consisted of small errands, filing jobs. I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until the drop date had passed that it revealed its true, sinister colors. You could always opt to take a ‘W’, of course—so long as you remembered that, in this class, ‘W’ stood for ‘wet work’. So I kept my head down and told myself that I just had to pass the class to be free of them.

That was my second mistake; the class, as I found, is secretly an anti-requisite for every class that fills a major requirement, save, of course, for the spy major. I had no choice but to soldier on. I quickly climbed through the 100- and 200-level courses, marveling as I did at how deep the rabbit hole went. The CIA, the KGB, even the CMU Alumni Association were involved in a conspiracy dating back to the days of Andrew Carnegie himself.

I have tried to do what they ask of me, but I cannot in good conscience support them any longer. And so I handed in my withdrawal form today, so that I may write this warning to you. Thankfully, readme is known for only publishing stories that are completely accurate. Even if I vanish, everyone who reads this message will know it to be as accurate as everything else readme publishes.

Beware, CMU. The spy major is real, and it is darker than you could possibly imagine. It’s almost the end for me. I can hear them coming up the stairs. But the message is out there. I only pray it is not too late.

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