Last Monday marked the first time the Republican Party finally faced facts of any sort. The GOP, they admitted, looks too old, too white, too rich and intolerant to appeal to what they called “those young whippersnappers”. After spending months on a hundred-page report, the Republican National Committee acknowledged its failure – namely, successfully communicating their message to every other demographic group.
“We have to be vaguer about things,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said in Washington, “We have to appeal to abstracts like principles. The more specific we are, the more focus groups find us to be ‘narrow-minded’ and ‘out of touch’. We have to step back, take a deep breath, and reiterate keywords like ‘freedom’ and ‘opportunity’.”
“It’s not just what we say; it’s how we say it. The promise of opportunity will be our message, and the spirit of optimism will infuse everything that we do,” Priebus continued, “Whether it’s working for the interests of millionaires or working for the interests of billionaires, we have to remind the American people to keep their attention on the future or they might see what we’re doing.”
The report had been a work-in-progress since the RNC’s presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, lost last November. Party leaders had been stunned to find themselves unpopular with Latinos, African-Americans, and Asians.
“The key is that young voters see us as totally intolerant of alternative points of view,” the report read, “Young voters should know that we’re into all the alternative stuff they’re into. Like Rock n’ Roll. Or Jazz Music.”
“They have to see that the Republican Party is like a tent, see,” Ari Fleischer, a co-author of the report said, “Like a big tent – a large sheet of fabric with a pointed top that you might wear over the top of your head for warmth, covering most of the face except for two small eyeholes so you can see where you’re going.”