Shark-Wrestler Loses Job: Too Badass

62-year-old Welshman Paul Marshallsea recently revealed himself to be among the most badass men in the world by singlehandedly beat up a shark to save a group of children swimming nearby. And there was none of that namby-pamby punching-it-on-the-snout business, either; Marshallsea quite literally wrestled the beast into submission. He was then fired from his job at the Pant and Dowlais Boys and Girls Club (yes, that is their actual name), presumably for the crime of being too fucking badass.

According to eyewitnesses, Marshallsea and his wife were on vacation in Australia when they saw a shark in the water approaching a group of children. Marshallsea reportedly ran into the water, though since the man could probably just leap to where the shark with a single flex of his legs, readme must assume he only ran to give the shark enough time to surrender. He then dragged the shark into deeper waters, at which point the shark, recognizing it had met someone higher on the food chain than itself, gratefully fled.

When Marshallsea returned home to Wales afterwards, he found that he had been fired from Pant and Dowlais, on the supposed grounds that he had lied to them about being ill to get vacation time. They claimed that, were Marshallsea truly ill, he would not have been able to outmatch the shark. Marshallsea’s reply—translated from his native Welsh, of course, lest any readers’ heads explode from the sheer manliness of his brogue—was this: “Are you daft? Of course I was sick that day! Why do you think the shark still lives?”

The company further cites the trip itself as evidence of Marshallsea’s apparent ‘wellness’, but readme posits that, had Marshallsea been truly well, he would have vacationed in a place far less wimpy than Australia, like Antarctica, or Mt. Everest, or the surface of the sun. That he went to Australia reveals how severely debilitated Marshallsea was by his illness.

It is unclear what Marshallsea will do with himself after this. Possibly, he will be forced to make ends meet the same way all down-on-their-luck badasses do: kill charging rhinoceroses with a single punch for the amusement of the masses. Or, perhaps, the Pant and Dowlais Boys and Girls Club will soon find a beluga whale mysteriously beached at their headquarters thirty miles inland with a note saying, “See? This is what I can do when I’m feeling well.”

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