Republicans Think Gay Marriage Is Queer

After discovering his son was gay, Republican Senator Rob Portman spoke out last Friday as a supporter of gay marriage. Portman took his time coming out to the rest of his political party, fearing his colleagues might consider his decision a little queer.

Portman’s critics have noted that his decision came only after becoming aware of his son’s sexuality, making his decision, though bold, less than objective. “He’s a pansy for breaking on this issue” said one of his former supporters. “His son must have turned him gay with one of those gay traps, like Broadway musicals or Lady Gaga.”

A few older GOP members proposed a compromise in which gay marriage would be prohibited with an exception made for Portman’s son. While increasing numbers of young Republicans support same-sex marriage, the older members of their party blame this change on the inherent corruption that birth control and the godless liberals have brought to our society with their medical marijuana and their rock music.

Portman commented that he came to his new beliefs after conferring with former Vice President Dick Cheney, whose daughter is also gay. Cheney’s position on gay marriage has been one of the most notable cases of a conservative supporting gay marriage, then not supporting then maybe-we-think supporting it again.

Portman’s decision came on the tails of the Conservative Political Action Conference, further driving the topic of gay marriage into the heart of the Republican Party. At the conference, Senator Marco Rubio of Florida commented on the issue: “Just because I believe that states should have the right to deny marriage to citizens because of their genes does not make me a bigot.”

Liberals have expressed hope that Portman’s son will also come out as transgender, or at least in need of free healthcare.

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