Obama to be President Ameritus

In light of former Pope Benedict XVI’s recent retirement, Barack Obama has decided that he, too, will retire from being President in 2017, handing over the reins to whoever wins the presidential elections in 2016. After being informed that, actually, he’s required to do that anyways, he replied, “Oh, come on! So when George Washington retires, it’s patriotic and noble, but when I do it, it’s a legal requirement? Talk about your double standards.”

The subject of his retirement has raised absolutely no questions whatsoever, but President Obama claims that it is essential for him and his cabinet to select a proper set of presidential post-retirement rules. As he is the first president to retire in about 8 years, he says, there is no playbook for such an event. When told that, yes, there is, seriously, this happens all the time, it’s a normal thing, the President responded, “Again, guys. Double standards.”

He has ultimately decided that, though whoever is elected in 2016 will officially hold the title of President, he will continue to live in the White House and eat the presidential food. “Also, I call dibs on the Oval Office,” Obama added, “Just because my replacement has the ‘technical’, ‘legal’ right to the Office doesn’t mean I wasn’t there first. They can just do the Presidential stuff in the Blue Room or something.”

Obama further states he will continue to wear the presidential uniform, though he will forgo the traditional presidential cape and cowl, and that he wishes to be referred to as ‘President Emeritus’ after retirement. However, after being told that most people would probably continue to call him ‘Mr. President’, he decided that was a fair compromise. He then asked, “I still get to keep the Secret Service, though, right?”

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