Jimmy Johns Time Travels



Some of you expert readme readers may have noticed that Jimmy Johns provides “subs so fast you’ll freak.” If you haven’t noticed, look at the giant advertisement located in this very readme (please look at it, this is how we get free food). However, how does Jimmy Johns deliver its subs so fast? Most delivery takes 30-45 minutes to arrive, yet readme’s super-professional consumer tests show the average Jimmy John’s order arrives 5 minutes before you actually order it. Granted, the order wasn’t what we wanted and was technically for someone else, but readme ate it anyway for science.

According to our official science expert Dr. Scienceman, the subs arrive so fast because the ingredients are injected with neutrinos, causing the food to travel faster than light. Current neutrino-sandwich testing is being conducted by the government in the LHC by firing two roast beef sandwiches toward each other at 99% light speed, then calling the maintenance crew because it makes a giant mess. Once the engineering is worked out, you will be able to order a sub as a senior and receive it as a freshman. Plus, if you order online in the future, you can buy yourself food in the past, causing distortions in the global economy and violating causality. But be warned: condiments travel through time at different speeds, so you may experience random packets of mayonnaise and mustard popping in and out of the fabric of time. Because science.

Unfortunately, Jimmy Johns subs arrive so fast that students not only freak, they begin to have mental breakdowns. CAPS has received hundreds of new patients in the last few days babbling incoherently about Jimmy Johns’ prompt service and speedy delivery. One student was so badly traumatized that CAPS found her staring at a turkey sandwich for days on end. Sadly, her mind was completely blown by the quality of service provided by Jimmy Johns, causing her to require intense cognitive behavioral therapy for the next 5-10 years. When asked for comment, the Jimmy Johns spokesman claimed the girl was “Yet another satisfied customer.”

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