In a televised statement on Monday or whatever day it is you don’t pay any attention to, Dr. Subra Suresh addressed a McConomy Auditorium packed with bleary-eyed students. Greeted by a tremendous din of snores, Dr. Suresh waved and smiled until the sleeping were all snapped awake. “My dear subjects,” he began before lapsing suddenly into a coughing fit, “hrhm. My dear students. I am so pleased and honored to have be given this great opportunity. Being at Carnegie Mellon is truly a great research opportunity for uh, you, and I’m humbled to accept this… leadership position. As the principal. Of a school. This one.”
It has been noted by some that Carnegie Mellon University had previously been the center of many controversial and intensive sleep deprivation studies. Some anonymous members of the staff expressed concern on the matter. “Look, it’s no secret that other presidents have actually been conducting experiments about the effects of sleep deprivation on many, if not all, of the students at CMU”, a nameless history professor, Foger Fouse, said, “What I’m really concerned about is whether or not Dr. Suresh signifies an end of that trend or- the fuck is tha-”
Other members of the staff, however, don’t seem to share these claims. When several of Roger Rouse’s colleagues were asked if they agreed, they merely laughed nervously and denounced Rouse’s statements. “No, no no no no,” Madeline Macker, Head of the History Department said at Rouse’s funeral last week, “No, no nono no, no no. No.”
Whatever fears students and staff might have had were put to rest during Suresh’s speech, however, as he marked history by becoming to first president to publicly address the issue. “Continuing this institute’s fine research into the effects of extended sleep deprivation is something we are,” Suresh said, squinting and tracing words on his note cards, “NOT going to do. I repeat, Something we are N’T going to do.”
And his final words to all his skeptics? “Well, I certainly hope to have put your fears to, uh haha, rest.” Suresh said, before leaving the stage in a fit of giggles.