The Next Air Bud Series

Airbud-dogwalker

  • Air Bud: Golden Bereaver
  • Air France Bud: The Cockpit: It’s about the dog flying a plane with a rooster co-pilot, in all its straight to DVD glory
  • Babe 3: Bacon in the Big City
  • Air Bud 2: Electric Dogaloo
  • Curl Bud: It’s like Air Bud, but with curling
  • Air Bud Chess Team
  • Air Bud: Catsitter
  • Air Budget: dog learns to do taxes
  • Zero Dark Puppies
  • Air Spud
  • Fido Castro: doggie dictators!
  • Air Mud: Shit Hits the Fan
  • Air Crud: Gross
  • The Kibble Games
  • Fear and Barking in The Kennel
  • Con Air Bud
  • 100 Days of Air Bud
  • How to Train Your Air Bud
  • I, Doggy
  • X-Dogs: Origins (Air Bud)
  • Despicable Puppy

Ohio Shits Self So Much: Must Wear Diaper

OhioSucks

readme has a shameful confession to make. Though readme has long kept its origin story a secret, it can no longer lie to its audience: readme is two-fifths Ohioan. We know this may come as a shock, given the moral bankruptcy the state has shown as of late, but there is such a thing as overcoming one’s origins… Even when the origin is Ohio.

After the Steubenville scandal, readme was relieved; surely, this was the last humiliating thing Ohio would do. After Ohio passed a bill that would ban gay marriage from being legalized last year and excused the behavior of rapists, readme figured that things couldn’t get any worse.

Clearly, readme jinxed itself. Less than a week later, a teen school-shooter wearing a hand-made “KILLER” t-shirt said at his trial, “This hand that pulled the trigger that killed your sons now masturbates to the memory”. Upon first hearing of the tragedy, readme attributed the story to the misled actions of other satire publications like the Onion or CNN.

Upon realizing that the story was not, in fact, made up, readme was relieved that it had escaped its home in Ohio to move to sunny Pittsburgh, PA, but wasn’t sure this was good enough. It might have to join the ranks of its ex-Ohioan brethren as astronauts. For these 25 Ohio-escapees and for readme, fleeing Earth is the only option.

Only You Can Prevent Snakefires

snake

 

A woman in Texas recently became the latest victim of a rash of snake-based crime. From the famous all-snake planejacking crew that was foiled by the efforts of FBI agent Samuel L. Jackson to their affiliations with the Nazi Party as discovered by adventurer archaeologist Harrison Ford, snakes have proven themselves to be a menace to society, as this poor Texas woman discovered.

The woman was reportedly cleaning her backyard when she was ambushed by the aforementioned snake, which brutally attacked her by doing absolutely nothing but happening to fall within her line of sight. Seeing as she didn’t have the sword of Godric Gryffindor on standby, the woman went with the logical Plan B of pouring gasoline on the snake and having her son set it on fire.

To the surprise of the woman and exactly no one else, the snake did not meekly raise its nonexistent hands in surrender and quietly expire after being immolated but, instead, slithered off in the hopes of extinguishing itself somehow. In the process, the enflamed snake ignited the woman’s house as well as that of her neighbor.

“We tried to stop it,” she later said of the incident, “but that snake was as slippery as a…as a, um. Hang on, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Give me a moment.” The woman never did remember what it was the snake reminded her of, just that it was an animal known for being cunning and hard to grab ahold of. readme can only assume it will forever remain a mystery for the ages.

But there is a silver lining to this sad tale, and that is that it proves snakes are not to be trusted. If they can commit arson, who knows what else they’re capable of? Yes, no one was injured this time, but the next victims might not be so lucky. As the case of this woman proves, these snakes are nothing but criminals. A bunch of low-down, dirty…oh, what was that word. Dammit, readme, you know this. It’s an animal…likes to hiss. Geese? Shit, whatever. Snakes are a bunch of low-down somethings that are sneaky and untrustworthy. Maybe opossums or something, I don’t know. The point is they have to be stopped, hopefully without the use of fire this time.

UN Reports Alarmingly Low Levels of Fucks to Give for Syrian Conflict

As the uprising in Syria enters its third year, UN Secretary-General Ban ki-Moon announced his concern of an “alarming deficit of fucks” in the international community that in his estimation leaves the UN woefully under-equipped to deal with the ever-escalating tensions. Addressing the General Assembly on Friday, Ban asserted that the UN’s existing stockpiles of fucks that could be devoted to the crisis were rapidly dwindling, and without a rapid replenishment of supplies, the world could be left without a single fuck to give to the Syrian people by as early as April.

Senior officials on both sides welcomed the announcement, which comes amidst reports by each side that the other has begun the use of so-called “chemical weapons celebrations” in marking the anniversary, representing a stark increase from last year’s relatively muted revelries, which included the indiscriminate deployment of “cluster party bombs”.

Riyaat al-Qortabawi, the Syrian opposition’s envoy to Europe, respond- ed, “While in some ways it’s disappointing, in the circumstances it’s useful in that it gives us more latitude to deal with Assad’s goons. I’m sure that this is one of the few points in which we and Assad see eye to eye– even without the rest of the world, the Syrian people themselves already have enough at stake that even without outside help, they can and should go fuck themselves.”

When reached for comment, senior officials in the Syrian government responded to Ban’s concerns by bombing civilians in the opposition-controlled city of Raqqah.

IRS Star Trek parody: Still better than Star Trek V

starTrek

 

In keeping with the proud tradition of criticizing organizations and individuals for poor decisions made years earlier while completely ignoring the poor decisions they’re making now, the IRS has recently come under fire from congressional investigators over a 2010 video which parodied Star Trek a la Galaxy Quest, though since it doesn’t star Tim Allen as a washed-up William Shatner stand-in, it automatically loses in that regard. Critics decried the video as a frivolous waste of the sixty thousand dollars of taxpayer money it cost, unlike the Gilligan’s Island parody the IRS made in the same year, which was of course one hundred percent necessary and not at all silly.

readme is forced to agree with the congressional investigators, though. What was the IRS thinking? McCoy and Spock would never get along that well! And why is McCoy in a command uniform anyways? He’s clearly unqualified for the position! Why does the landing party show up on the screen when the landing party traditionally uses communicators? And why is Spock’s first suggestion time travel despite him being the most concerned with not altering the flow of history the first time they tried? Oh, also, it was really, really stupid.

Although, really, readme can’t help but think this Star Trek idea could be a great opportunity for the IRS to revamp its image. Nobody wants to see a stern-faced IRS official in a foreboding suit knocking on their door, but they’d love it if the IRS official was wearing a Federation uniform. Or if there was a spot on the tax refund form to request ‘Tea, Earl Grey, hot’, or if audits had a setting for ‘stun’ instead of ‘bankrupt’. And, really, public approval of the IRS would skyrocket if they just adopted the Prime Directive in their daily workings

Plus, the switch would bring flocks of aging geeks to IRS recruitment drives. It would be a perfect fit; really, who would be more qualified to slog through endless logs of information and picking at every little inconsistency therein than hardcore Star Trek fanboys? Bonus: Star Trek conventions automatically become a deductible.

Conflict Kitchen: Now a Hit TV Show

ConflictKitchen

 

Conflict Kitchen, a Pittsburgh restaurant dedicated to serving food from countries America hates (because foreigners hate freedom and apple pie), has teamed up with Gordon Ramsay to create a new reality show. In Ramsay’s new show, Conflict Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay travels to failing restaurants in foreign countries and teaches them how to cook like freedom-loving Americans. readme knows Ramsay is British, but we don’t give a shit because British food sucks. Eat a dick, shepard’s pie.

The show’s pilot episode takes Ramsay to Iran to visit Ahmadinejad’s Kebab Enrichment Facility. The restaurant’s owner “Mark” Ahmadinejad uses only the finest equipment to produce the tastiest kebabs in the Middle East. When Ramsay asked about what the multiple giant centrifuges in the kitchen were for, “Mark” shifted his eyes back and forth and claimed they were used “To lock in flavor.” Ramsay, not being an official Kebab Expert, accepted this explanation without complaint. It also explains the giant tanks of water (for making soup), the reactor rods (adds flavor better than wooden sticks), and the multiple Geiger counters (we got nothing).

Lacking anything remotely useful to say, Ramsay resorted to his usual clichés. “THERE’S SAND IN THESE FUCKING KEBABS!” was yelled multiple times, ignoring both profanity guidelines and the sand-heavy diet of the proud Iranian people. After yelling multiple hilarious racist expletives that if readme printed would constitute a hate crime, Ramsay forced the Kebab Enrichment Facility to be shut down. “Mark” was notably displeased by his restaurant closing, but after some complaining and denying the Holocaust, he allowed inspectors to shut down his restaurant.

On the next episode of Conflict Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay travels to North Korea to sample Pyongyang’s famous kimchee hexafluoride.

TITANIC II: SINK HARDER

TitanicII

Australian billionaire Clive Palmer is building the Titanic II, a full-sized, working replica of the original ocean liner, which will be launched in 2016.

This passenger-carrying ship will payhomage to the legendary unsinkable Titanic, who killed 1,502 people when it sank.

“But this one’s actually unsinkable, ”Palmer assured.

“There is no possible way this could go wrong,” Palmer added, thus ensuring that Fate destroy him. Palmer has also decided to make a hobby of walking under ladders while smashing mirrors on Friday the 13th. In an tribute to the first ship, there will be no lifeboats.

Titanic II is sure to be a moneymaker, says Palmer’s team. After a brief Google-search of market trends, the team concluded that people love spending long periods of time on reputed death-traps. Next, Palmer plans to launch the airplane Icarus.

The Titanic II will be better and stronger than the Titanic I. The North Atlantic Ocean has also promised that a better and stronger Iceberg II.

readme thinks the Titanic II could be the premise for a great movie, with a better and stronger Leonard DiCaprio. Maybe he’ll even get an Oscar!

Multimillionaire Pot Calls Billionaire Kettle Black

pot

CEO of the NRA Wayne LaPierre recently criticized New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his plan to spend twelve million dollar on pro-gun-control ads to pressure senators into backing these new measures, calling it a cheap attempt by the wealthy to perpetuate their own political agendas against the will of the American people. “Bloomberg can’t buy America,” said the man in charge of the group which recently spent seventeen million dollars on pro-Romney ads to pressure voters into backing him in the 2012 election.

“What Bloomberg is trying to do with these ads is intimidate senators into not listening to constituents and instead pledge their allegiance to him,” said NRA spokesman Andrew Arulanandam, whose counter to Bloomberg’s campaign involves bypassing constituents altogether and intimidating senators into pledging their allegiance to the NRA by calling them up directly.

“He can’t spend enough of his twenty-seven billion dollar to try to impose his will on the America public,” added LaPierre, the multimillionaire responsible for an organization which reports an income of hundreds of millions of dollars a year. Bloomberg, for his part, says that he only plans for the ad to call attention to “voices of Americans—who overwhelmingly support comprehensive and enforceable background checks—into the discussion to move senators to immediately take action to prevent gun violence”.

LaPierre takes umbrage at these assertions. He claims that the NRA, too, consider limiting gun violence to be the highest priority; they simply believe this can be done without resorting to the barbarism of comprehensive background checks. Among their proposed measures are enhanced security for schools, improved gun law enforcement, and ‘a system for making sure dealers can check gun purchases against a record of the mentally incompetent and dangerous’. “We’re not completely sure what such a system would consist of at this time,” admitted LaPierre, “But it would have to be effective at checking that nothing in a person’s background should bar them from owning a gun…and it would have to be comprehensive.”