The Pope’s Getting Too Old for this Shit

PopeJobInterview2

Benedict XVI has always been known for
being a loose Canon Pope who doesn’t play by
the rules, chasing down sinners in his Pope-
mobile and praying for the souls of attractive
young blondes. But after years of being told
he’s been putting the whole Vatican in jeopar-
dy, he’s decided it’s finally time to turn in his
hat and crook, claiming “[he’s] getting too old
for this shit.”

This will make Benedict the first Pope in over
seven hundred years to willingly retire, with
good reason. Normally, giving your boss your
two weeks’ notice is awkward enough, but
when you’re the Pope, that means you turn
in your resignation directly to God, and that
guy knows how often you use the company
computers to check Facebook [watch porn?].
God only knows what He’s going to have to
say about Benedict tweeting on the job.
More than that, though, job hunting is going
to be brutal for poor Benedict now. Sure, he’s
got about fifty years of job experience with
the Catholic church, but how is that going to
matter when a prospective employer asks if
you know how to format a spreadsheet? And
anyone who’s read the Old Testament knows
that God is not going to be a good character
reference after this. Just look at what happened
to Samson. Sure, God’s cool with Samson so
long as he follows dress code, but the moment
he gets a new job that requires him to cut his
hair, suddenly God’s not answering the Pope
phone and poor Samson’s stuck grinding grain
for minimum wage for the rest of his life.
The big question on everyone’s minds, though,
is this: will Benedict get to keep the Popemo-
bile? Sure, he might need it to protect himself
from the armies of Satan that will no doubt
be gunning for him in retirement, but it’s still a
company car.

Then, of course, there’s the whole who-will-
be-the-next-Pope bit. The only requirements
to be a papal candidate are that he or she is a
member of the Catholic church in good stand-
ing, and that he or she is not a she. readme,
of course, has the perfect candidate in mind:
readme! Come on, Vatican, readme would be
the perfect choice. We’re sort of male. We’re
almost Catholic. We know what the word
‘Catholic’ means, at least, which is more than
can be said of most of your congregation
(thanks, ‘Catholic Means Universal’ posters!).
Tell you what, we’ll send you our résumé .
We think you’ll like what you see. We’ve got
Lucifer as a character reference.

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