readme shows up high-schooler with own cancer diagnosis

Recently, the medical community has been abuzz with news about a new method of diagnosing early-stage pancreatic cancer, an issue which up until now had stymied medical experts. The diagnostic is both highly effective and inexpensive, requiring only a few simple blood tests, but what is considered most remarkable is that the discoverer was not a doctor, but rather high school freshman Jack Andraka. readme, in its unending battle to prove itself smarter than a high-schooler and win the Tartan’s love, had this to say about the discovery:

“So he pioneered an entirely new method of diagnosing, and thereby making easier to treat, the fourth leading cause of death in the nation at the age of 15,” said readme, “Big whoop! I can do that, too.” readme then went on to explain its ‘revolutionary’ means of diagnosing pancreatic cancer. “First, you flip a coin. If it’s heads, you have cancer. If it’s tails, you have cancer, too. This method catches pancreatic cancer 100% of the time, which obviously means it’s the better method. Plus, it’s even less expensive than that kid’s idea, since it you can literally take it for the cost of the penny. Beat that, frosh!”

It was at this point that readme’s lawyers had to inform the press that one of the downsides of readme’s method was the 98.5% false positive rate, and recommended that anyone who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer using readme’s method get tested again, possibly using that Jack Andraka kid’s diagnostic, because that seemed pretty darn impressive. In fact, they added, just skip readme’s test, and if everyone could maybe just ignore everything readme said, it would really help at the appeal for the restraining order the Tartan was filing against it, please and thank you.

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