readme Interviews Charlie Sheen

This week Charlie Sheen wandered into our offices and
wouldn’t leave. So readme decided to print what happened
to provide evidence for the restraining order readme is in the
process of filing against Mr. Sheen.

The following is a transcript:

readme: Soooo what brings you here…again?
Charlie Sheen: The goddesses? The goddesses, let me just
say this about the goddesses, I don’t believe the term is good
enough, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descrip-
tions, you must use the best choice available, right?
readme: Uh, if you put it that way, yeah. Look, was there
something you wanted to say because you are creep-
Charlie Sheen: So if you think about it, dude, it’s like I’m 0
for 3 with marriage, with never an excuse, but like in baseball,
the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is
a marriage of the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically
disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something
that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers. And I
just gotta add this ‘cause there was a whole firestorm yester-
day about Brooke been a part of our crew and let me just
say this, this is all I’m gonna say about it, where there were
four, there are now three. Goodbye Brooke good luck in your
travels, you’re going to need it, badly.
readme: Wait, firestorm? Was that you? Did you try and burn
down the-
Charlie Sheen: No we are and, I don’t know, winning, anyone?
Rhymes with winning, anyone? That’ll be us. Man, didn’t
make the rules. Ooops.
readme: Oops? Really? 6 people died. Charlie this is much
bigger than an “oops”
Charlie Sheen: I don’t have time for these clowns. I don’t have
time for their judgment and their stupidity and you know they
lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children
and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they
say “I can’t process it” well no you never will stop trying, just
sit back and enjoy the show. You know?
readme: Arson is not a “show” Charlie. And you do like us,
which is great, but you have to stop coming here. It’s creepy-
Charlie Sheen: Boom, that’s the whole movie, that’s life.
That’s life, there’s nobility in that, there’s focus, it’s genuine,
it’s crystal and it’s pure and its available to everybody. So just
shut your traps and put down your McDonald’s, your maga-
zines, your TMZ and the rest of it and focus on something
that matters. But you can’t focus on things that matter if all
you’ve been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes
with sheep. You know. Anyway. We’re getting off topic.
readme: You had a topic to begin with?
Charlie Sheen: But I’m excited to get back to work be-
cause I have real fans, they have nothing. They have zero.
They have that night and I will forget about them as my
last image of them exits my beautiful home. And they will
get out there and they will sell me and they will lose. And
they will lose the rest of their lives as they think about me
and my life the rest of their lives, so, bring me a challenge
somebody, because, you know, it just ain’t there. Winning.
readme: readme really wishes you would stop talking,
Charlie Sheen: Well yeah but I’m tired of being told, “well
you can’t talk about that and you can’t talk about that”
BULL S-H-I-T. Let me just say this, there’s nothing. Check
it Bro, I embarrassed him in front of his children and the
world by healing at a pace that his uninvolved mind can-
not process. Clearly someone who believes he is above the
law. Well, you’ve been warned dude. Bring it.
readme: Who the fuck are you even talking about? What is
wrong with you? You are acting completely neurotic and it
is terrifying.
Charlie Sheen: It’s yeah, it’s an understatement, you know
it’s, I’m sorry man I got magic and I got poetry at my
fingertips most of the time and this includes naps. I’m an
F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my
ordnance to the ground.
readme: You should go now.

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