Britain Legalizes Gay Marriage

The British recently passed a bill through the House of Commons legalizing same-sex marriage and allowing same-sex couples already engaged in civil unions to upgrade to legal marriage. This news is being lauded by many portions of the British population, though none more so than fans of BBC series Sherlock. According to one member of Parliament, who readme assumes must be a Jedi because of his very Alec-Guinness-like accent, the moment the bill passed, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Johnlock shippers squeed in triumph, and suddenly began writing fanfic.”

Shockingly, though, there are those who continue to oppose gay marriage. Many members of the Conservative Party of Britain, for instance, voted against the bill in a surprising and completely unpredictable political maneuver. Equally shocking is the resistance shown by religious groups like the Church of England, who worry about the social and cultural ramifications the bill might bring, like gay people actually being treated as people and their relationships being accepted as legitimate expressions of love. The horror.

None are more outraged, though, than certain American demographics, who say this British gay marriage bill is nothing short of an affront to American values. “We were going to legalize gay marriage first, dammit,” says one offended American, “That is just like those limey bastards to steal our ideas so blatantly like that. First they copy our democracy, then our French fries, now this. What next? Are they going to pass legislation to punish discrimination against trans individuals before us, too? Real mature, you guys.”

Another disgruntled patriot pronounced, “Every year on the Fourth of July, I celebrate how awesome America is in comparison to Britain with the ancient American traditions of barbeque and full-contact football. But if the British keep acting more accepting of gay rights than us, we might as well have lost the Revolutionary War.”

This might just be the push America needs to finally legalize gay marriage in all fifty states. Before the British passed this bill, the issue of gay marriage was just about silly things like human rights and the recognition of all people’s inherent equality regardless of their gender identity or orientation. Now, though, it’s personal.

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