New Zealand: Cats of the Ring


Conservationist Gareth Morgan (a real person!) called for New Zealand to kill or contain all cats in order to save his country’s ground-nesting birds.

Birds are not the only prey of these “natural-born killers”. Another endangered New Zealand native is falling victim as well: hobbits. The situation has gotten so harsh for these ground-dwelling creatures that they have called in Gandalf the Gray Sheep to exterminate the cats.

The problem is not easily solved. “One does not simply walk into the litter box,” said Gandalf, stroking his wool thoughtfully, “It will take one collar to find the cats, one collar to bring them all together and in the darkness bind them.”

Soon it became clear that the cats were servants of an anti-environmentalist sheep, Sauron. He has a Facebook page ten thousand members strong. He feeds his cat minions a steady diet of catnip to work them into a blood lust. He is the black sheep.

Gandalf turned to Craigslist to recruit a fellowship to fight for the safety of Middle New Zealand (and the rest of it, too).

“I think we’ll do well,” said group member Legolas, “after all we have my spray bottle-”

“-And my laser pointer,” added Gimli the koala.

Recently the government of New Zealand has gotten word of Gandalf’s scheme, and, declaring it ridiculous, has threatened to send the cats away to a prison colony on Australia.

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