Congress was just on its annual bipartisan roadtrip when the van broke down in an eerily empty town. According to Old Man Romney who lived in a sinister-looking mansion, everyone had been frightened away by the Fiscal Cliff, who lived up in the other sinister-looking mansion on the top of the hill. He told Congress to leave and definitely not investigate this, or else they were DOOMED! Congress, of course, headed up as soon as Romney stopped babbling.
“Let’s split up, Gang of Eight!,” Senator Richard J. Durbin declared as soon as they entered the spooky mansion, not noticing that the Republicans had been off doing their own investigation for the past half hour already. Obviously, everyone assumed, this ‘Fiscal Cliff’ business would be easier to solve without inter-party cooperation.
The gang first began to suspect that the fiscal cliff might not be what it seemed when Nancy Pelosi accidentally leaned on a candlestick that was actually the switch for a secret door, which caused her to fall down a slide into a room full of fiscal cliff costumes. “The fiscal cliff isn’t real!” she announced when she was finally rescued, “It’s just a caricature of an economic disaster!”
Meanwhile, Hilary Clinton had bumped into something and was in a bit of a bind. “My glasses!” she cried, searching the ground in front of her, “I can’t see without my glasses!” Eventually, she was handed back her glasses by…the fiscal cliff! This being Hilary, though, she just sighed and crushed its nuts with the heel of her shoe before strolling off to another press conference.
The fiscal cliff eventually recovered from its brush with Clinton to chase down Speaker John Boehner and group mascot Bab-(R.), the Conservative Elephant, cuing a musical chase sequence where the two eventually led the fiscal cliff into a conveniently-placed hay-bale maker. “Let’s see who the fiscal cliff really is!” declared Durbin as he pulled the mask off of the fiscal cliff, revealing it to be Old Man Romney!
“Yes, it was me!” Old Man Romney confessed, “I pretended to be the fiscal cliff to scare people away from Obama so they’d elect me President instead! And I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling Congressmen and your laws stating that presidential elections can only happen once every four years!”