Cootie Epidemic


EVERYONE IN PITT IS DEAD. Now that we have your attention, you may be wondering why everyone in Pitt is dead. It turns out that a lethal strain of cooties is sweeping Pittsburgh, killing all those who dare to engage in romantic escapades. You can probably guess what happened at the University of Pittsburgh (Hint: fucking).

Normally readme wouldn’t bother worrying about sex-related diseases at CMU because… well, just because. However, apparently there are people at CMU who actually have sex. If that’s you, congratulations! You’re going to die. Usually the solution would be a quick cootie shot, but unfortunately there is a dire shortage of cootie shots at Health Services. As you obviously learned in health class, all cootie shots are composed of “circle circle, dot dot,” but sadly the US is suffering from a global dot shortage. readme blames the government.

Realizing the risk of further carnal casualties, CMU has officially launched the new “Don’t Have Sex” campaign. If you’re in SCS, good work. For everyone else, CMU has launched new seminars helping undergraduates avoid the dangerous allure of sex. The seminars include “Misogyny 101”, “Showering: Who Needs It?”, and “Stalking: Chicks Dig It.” These should not be confused with the classic class for women: “If You Have Sex You Will Get a Disease and Die. Also You’ll Get Pregnant.” If those seminars aren’t enough to scare you away from the horizontal mambo, Jared Cohon has instructed all professors to assign more homework so no one has time to have sex. That’s why you have so much homework, to protect you. You’re welcome.

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