What Our New President Should Do in His First Term

ScottieMoon

 

  • Free pizza
  • Free Hat
  • Free tuition
  • Free Bird
  • Free Blow
  • Free Freedom
  • Free bears
  • Free Healthcare
  • Free Time
  • More free condoms
  • Take down Walking to the Sky
  • A tunnel to the center of the earth
  • Put a scotty-dog on the moon
  • Turn Club Hunt into an actual club
  • Make Half-Life 3 happen
  • Build a tunnel to Craig Street
  • Second Breakfast at Elevenses
  • More Nap-pods
  • Jobs for H&SS
  • A million wishes
  • Deodorant for the CS majors
  • A Pony
  • Our parents’ love and approval
  • Reading Week, not Reading Day
  • Two Spring Carnivals
  • Nicer weather
  • Magic powers
  • Gay Marriage!
  • More power outlets
  • Unlimited Free Bubblewrap
  • Less outside
  • More rainbows
  • Sleep
  • COLOR PRINTING FOR README
  • Fewer Fedoras
  • Better coffee
  • Hope
  • More Plaid
  • The return of Firefly
  • Free Tibet
  • A Hug (We never got one from Cohon)

Britain Legalizes Gay Marriage

The British recently passed a bill through the House of Commons legalizing same-sex marriage and allowing same-sex couples already engaged in civil unions to upgrade to legal marriage. This news is being lauded by many portions of the British population, though none more so than fans of BBC series Sherlock. According to one member of Parliament, who readme assumes must be a Jedi because of his very Alec-Guinness-like accent, the moment the bill passed, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Johnlock shippers squeed in triumph, and suddenly began writing fanfic.”

Shockingly, though, there are those who continue to oppose gay marriage. Many members of the Conservative Party of Britain, for instance, voted against the bill in a surprising and completely unpredictable political maneuver. Equally shocking is the resistance shown by religious groups like the Church of England, who worry about the social and cultural ramifications the bill might bring, like gay people actually being treated as people and their relationships being accepted as legitimate expressions of love. The horror.

None are more outraged, though, than certain American demographics, who say this British gay marriage bill is nothing short of an affront to American values. “We were going to legalize gay marriage first, dammit,” says one offended American, “That is just like those limey bastards to steal our ideas so blatantly like that. First they copy our democracy, then our French fries, now this. What next? Are they going to pass legislation to punish discrimination against trans individuals before us, too? Real mature, you guys.”

Another disgruntled patriot pronounced, “Every year on the Fourth of July, I celebrate how awesome America is in comparison to Britain with the ancient American traditions of barbeque and full-contact football. But if the British keep acting more accepting of gay rights than us, we might as well have lost the Revolutionary War.”

This might just be the push America needs to finally legalize gay marriage in all fifty states. Before the British passed this bill, the issue of gay marriage was just about silly things like human rights and the recognition of all people’s inherent equality regardless of their gender identity or orientation. Now, though, it’s personal.

The Pope’s Getting Too Old for this Shit

PopeJobInterview2

Benedict XVI has always been known for
being a loose Canon Pope who doesn’t play by
the rules, chasing down sinners in his Pope-
mobile and praying for the souls of attractive
young blondes. But after years of being told
he’s been putting the whole Vatican in jeopar-
dy, he’s decided it’s finally time to turn in his
hat and crook, claiming “[he’s] getting too old
for this shit.”

This will make Benedict the first Pope in over
seven hundred years to willingly retire, with
good reason. Normally, giving your boss your
two weeks’ notice is awkward enough, but
when you’re the Pope, that means you turn
in your resignation directly to God, and that
guy knows how often you use the company
computers to check Facebook [watch porn?].
God only knows what He’s going to have to
say about Benedict tweeting on the job.
More than that, though, job hunting is going
to be brutal for poor Benedict now. Sure, he’s
got about fifty years of job experience with
the Catholic church, but how is that going to
matter when a prospective employer asks if
you know how to format a spreadsheet? And
anyone who’s read the Old Testament knows
that God is not going to be a good character
reference after this. Just look at what happened
to Samson. Sure, God’s cool with Samson so
long as he follows dress code, but the moment
he gets a new job that requires him to cut his
hair, suddenly God’s not answering the Pope
phone and poor Samson’s stuck grinding grain
for minimum wage for the rest of his life.
The big question on everyone’s minds, though,
is this: will Benedict get to keep the Popemo-
bile? Sure, he might need it to protect himself
from the armies of Satan that will no doubt
be gunning for him in retirement, but it’s still a
company car.

Then, of course, there’s the whole who-will-
be-the-next-Pope bit. The only requirements
to be a papal candidate are that he or she is a
member of the Catholic church in good stand-
ing, and that he or she is not a she. readme,
of course, has the perfect candidate in mind:
readme! Come on, Vatican, readme would be
the perfect choice. We’re sort of male. We’re
almost Catholic. We know what the word
‘Catholic’ means, at least, which is more than
can be said of most of your congregation
(thanks, ‘Catholic Means Universal’ posters!).
Tell you what, we’ll send you our résumé .
We think you’ll like what you see. We’ve got
Lucifer as a character reference.

readme Interviews Charlie Sheen

This week Charlie Sheen wandered into our offices and
wouldn’t leave. So readme decided to print what happened
to provide evidence for the restraining order readme is in the
process of filing against Mr. Sheen.

The following is a transcript:

readme: Soooo what brings you here…again?
Charlie Sheen: The goddesses? The goddesses, let me just
say this about the goddesses, I don’t believe the term is good
enough, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descrip-
tions, you must use the best choice available, right?
readme: Uh, if you put it that way, yeah. Look, was there
something you wanted to say because you are creep-
Charlie Sheen: So if you think about it, dude, it’s like I’m 0
for 3 with marriage, with never an excuse, but like in baseball,
the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is
a marriage of the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically
disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something
that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers. And I
just gotta add this ‘cause there was a whole firestorm yester-
day about Brooke been a part of our crew and let me just
say this, this is all I’m gonna say about it, where there were
four, there are now three. Goodbye Brooke good luck in your
travels, you’re going to need it, badly.
readme: Wait, firestorm? Was that you? Did you try and burn
down the-
Charlie Sheen: No we are and, I don’t know, winning, anyone?
Rhymes with winning, anyone? That’ll be us. Man, didn’t
make the rules. Ooops.
readme: Oops? Really? 6 people died. Charlie this is much
bigger than an “oops”
Charlie Sheen: I don’t have time for these clowns. I don’t have
time for their judgment and their stupidity and you know they
lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children
and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they
say “I can’t process it” well no you never will stop trying, just
sit back and enjoy the show. You know?
readme: Arson is not a “show” Charlie. And you do like us,
which is great, but you have to stop coming here. It’s creepy-
Charlie Sheen: Boom, that’s the whole movie, that’s life.
That’s life, there’s nobility in that, there’s focus, it’s genuine,
it’s crystal and it’s pure and its available to everybody. So just
shut your traps and put down your McDonald’s, your maga-
zines, your TMZ and the rest of it and focus on something
that matters. But you can’t focus on things that matter if all
you’ve been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes
with sheep. You know. Anyway. We’re getting off topic.
readme: You had a topic to begin with?
Charlie Sheen: But I’m excited to get back to work be-
cause I have real fans, they have nothing. They have zero.
They have that night and I will forget about them as my
last image of them exits my beautiful home. And they will
get out there and they will sell me and they will lose. And
they will lose the rest of their lives as they think about me
and my life the rest of their lives, so, bring me a challenge
somebody, because, you know, it just ain’t there. Winning.
readme: readme really wishes you would stop talking,
please.
Charlie Sheen: Well yeah but I’m tired of being told, “well
you can’t talk about that and you can’t talk about that”
BULL S-H-I-T. Let me just say this, there’s nothing. Check
it Bro, I embarrassed him in front of his children and the
world by healing at a pace that his uninvolved mind can-
not process. Clearly someone who believes he is above the
law. Well, you’ve been warned dude. Bring it.
readme: Who the fuck are you even talking about? What is
wrong with you? You are acting completely neurotic and it
is terrifying.
Charlie Sheen: It’s yeah, it’s an understatement, you know
it’s, I’m sorry man I got magic and I got poetry at my
fingertips most of the time and this includes naps. I’m an
F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my
ordnance to the ground.
readme: You should go now.

Watchme. Fear me.

Watchmereview

Yesterday, readme noticed that someone had uploaded a TV show called Watchme to its website, featuring readme’s own members. Though entertained at first by this self-proclaimed “sketch comedy” show, readme realized darker forces were at work: Watchme is cult propaganda.

The sketch “Heroin Holidays” masquerades as a silly infomercial, marketing heroin as the cure for holiday season stresses. The sketch employs props like a Christmas tree and lights, meanwhile using subtler religious symbolism to implant its frightening message.

Take the three balls of cookie dough the Housewife makes. The Father. The Son. . . .And the last scoop of dough, the one that she accidentally flings onto the counter – the “Fallen” cookie – is clearly Lucifer. Watchme postulates a rewritten Bible, one that features an unbalanced Trinity of two faces of God and one face of Evil.

 

Distressed at what she’s done, the Housewife cries out “Oh no!” At least that’s what it sounds like. But what if she really said, “oh ho”? A palindrome is a mystical arrangement of letters, the forward progression the same as the backwards return. This suggests time is irrelevant and that no matter how hard we try to change fate, we always wind up just as we started: on the letter “O.” The future is predestined, Watchme decrees, and it is terrifying.

Look at the population of this dystopian sketch: three humans and a hedgehog. A Hedge-Hog; a half-plant-half-animal hybrid. Where are the birds? The plants? Even the Christmas Tree is clearly artificial.

There is a startling lack of ecosystem throughout the show. The Opening Sequence depicts Vis playing with bear hats, trying to animate the lifeless fabric. “Turtle Races” matches a turtle against a turtleneck shirt, a clear announcement that in the future there are no other animals to race against. Even humanity is doomed: “Carnegie Idol” features students auditioning to become the next member of Walking to the Sky. Promising youths strive to reduce themselves to still, static beings like the statues on the pole.

Faced with a world like this, what choice doe Watchme’s viewers have but to buy into the infomercial and take the heroin kool-aid?

‘Valu Time’ and what to do with it.

ValuTime

Are you running out of time? Are the prices too high to buy yourself some more? Have you been finding the interest rates on borrowed time too much to bear? Well, worry no more with Valu Time® brand time products! Here at Valu Time® we know time is money, which is why we offer quality time products at every-minute low prices. Valu time® brand time is perfect for the sensible spender. Time may not fly, but it will glide just a little bit at a rate of minutes to the dollar!

There’s a million things you can do with your Valu Time® brand time! You could finish your laundry! Reorganize your spice cabinet! Catch a bus! Refresh your email! Don’t put off for five minutes what you could do right now! Just listen to some of our rave customer reviews! “It’s not the best of time, but it’s not the worst of time, either,” says one satisfied customer, “and it won’t dent your pocketbook!” Another says, “_____[okay, seriously, if anyone has any ideas, that would be awesome]”. And there’s no time like a present, because Valu Time® makes the perfect gift for friends and family!

Unlike other time products, Valu Time® brand time can be purchased for the low, low cost of $9.99! But wait! Order now, and we’ll double our offer, and throw in a Valu Time® brand Broken Clock™ (It’s right twice a day!), as seen on TV! But you’d better order fast! This special Valu Time™ deal waits for no man! Call our timeline now at 1-800-TIME-PLZ or order online at http://www.minute-to-bargainbin-it.com to claim your daylight savings.

readme shows up high-schooler with own cancer diagnosis

Recently, the medical community has been abuzz with news about a new method of diagnosing early-stage pancreatic cancer, an issue which up until now had stymied medical experts. The diagnostic is both highly effective and inexpensive, requiring only a few simple blood tests, but what is considered most remarkable is that the discoverer was not a doctor, but rather high school freshman Jack Andraka. readme, in its unending battle to prove itself smarter than a high-schooler and win the Tartan’s love, had this to say about the discovery:

“So he pioneered an entirely new method of diagnosing, and thereby making easier to treat, the fourth leading cause of death in the nation at the age of 15,” said readme, “Big whoop! I can do that, too.” readme then went on to explain its ‘revolutionary’ means of diagnosing pancreatic cancer. “First, you flip a coin. If it’s heads, you have cancer. If it’s tails, you have cancer, too. This method catches pancreatic cancer 100% of the time, which obviously means it’s the better method. Plus, it’s even less expensive than that kid’s idea, since it you can literally take it for the cost of the penny. Beat that, frosh!”

It was at this point that readme’s lawyers had to inform the press that one of the downsides of readme’s method was the 98.5% false positive rate, and recommended that anyone who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer using readme’s method get tested again, possibly using that Jack Andraka kid’s diagnostic, because that seemed pretty darn impressive. In fact, they added, just skip readme’s test, and if everyone could maybe just ignore everything readme said, it would really help at the appeal for the restraining order the Tartan was filing against it, please and thank you.

Blackboard Announces Scheduled Uptime

Blackboard

Considering the recent epidemic of unannounced downtime, Blackboard has announced scheduled uptime from 5AM-6AM Sunday morning. “It just makes sense,” Martha Warren, Blackboard’s PR rep, “to announce uptime instead of downtime since uptime is a rarer time than not. And we want to make sure that the students have time to get their work done.”

While most students are less than pleased with the scheduled timeframe, they are happy to know when and for how long Blackboard will be up. In fact many students are setting up camp near the routers on campus to make sure that the second Blackboard comes up, they will be ready to download or upload their assignments.

Katie Mooten, a junior mechanical engineer, has been eagerly awaiting the return of Blackboard for two weeks. She told readme over her hot plate of ramen, “Times are rough, there used to be an abundance of blackboard, but in this economy, we take what we can get. I hear tell that some of the routers are dried up. We gotta keep moving.”

Students all across campus are being hit hard during this dry spell. All over the campus, caravans of students can be seen, lugging their computers, desperate for a connection to Blackboard.

Though there is no sign of when this madness will end, students remain tentatively hopeful, always looking for announced uptimes, and for assignment extensions that will never come.

Benedict Resigns as Head Pedophile Protector

Pope Benedict XVI shocked observers last Monday when he announced that he would resign, stating that his advanced age and increasing infirmities would prevent him from continuing his task as head pedophile protector of the Catholic Church.

Benedict, who as Pope was in charge of administering the Church’s worldwide molestation defense operations, expressed a measure of satisfaction with his brief tenure, despite having faced significant challenges in the US, Germany, and Ireland to his papal bull on the matter.

“It’s true that we were taken aback by the vehemence of the opposition to our priests’ activities”, remarked Benedict, “but in the end I strongly believe I did what was proper in defending the sanctity of the church, and I’m sure the populace will be able to overcome these petty concerns.”

His departure comes at a time of tendentious struggle between competing visions of the Church, pitting hardline conservatives like Benedict and his likely successor Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York against moderates like Cardinal Jorge Luis de la Arena of Argentina on issues such as the collapse of the Church in developed nations, abstinence policies, HIV, and molester defense. Cardinal de la Arena in particular has been at the forefront of attempting to improve relations with outsiders, and has publicly called for appointing ambassadors to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries.

“Our standing in Europe has completely evaporated because of our positions”, commented de la Arena, “and it’s critical that we avoid a repeat of such a catastrophe in the few areas that actually still respect us for whatever reason.”

Dolan, meanwhile, has been prominent on a call of returning to tradition.

“By not keeping our views exactly as they were in the Middle Ages, we have only been emboldening those who despise us. Just look at America: Catholicism should be thriving, but we’re treated worse than the gays! There are even agnostics there. We must turn the clock back several centuries if we are to recover what we’ve lost. “He added, “And frankly, are we sure that the Earth moves around the sun? I have my doubts.”

Suffer (and Die) for Fashion

Image

Scientists say that men’s overall body temperature tends to run hotter, while women tend to keep heat just in their cores, and have colder extremities. It seems like science’s way of forcing heterosexual couples to meet or freeze to death / spontaneously combust. (It also means that if your girlfriend seems like a cold-hearted bitch, her heart’s actually the only thing that’s warm).

readme joined the scientists for a cocktail party and discussed this further. (readme was dressed to the nines, tens, and all other page numbers).

“It makes perfect sense,” said Dr.Marcus Xiang, “the man putting his coataround a woman isn’t mere chivalry, it’s survival.”
Dr. Xiang himself was wearing a suit jacket, vest, and long sleeved shirt, as formality decreed. The rest of his words were cut off as his pant leg burst into flame and he discovered he had a fever of 300 degrees. “Just imagine how it’s shaped our society,” added his partner, Prof. Matilda Vein, who like all women there, sported a backless, sleeve-less, calf-length dress. “I’m sure there are all sorts of subtle ways in which our culture has responded to our different temp- temperature n-needs.”

As Dr. Xiang stepped away Prof. Vein’s lips turned blue and a thin layer of ice formed over her arms.