Ways to avoid the snow



It is said that Eskimo languages have 115 words for ‘snow’. Here at CMU, though, we have only three words for snow: ‘deal with it’. When readme was your age, it had to walk five miles between classes in the middle of a blizzard and it still didn’t get any credit for attending its recitation. Nowadays, though, we have science, and state of the art anti-snow technology. Most importantly, though, we have readme. So here’s a list of 17 ways to avoid the snow and get to class on time.

  • Take the steam tunnels to class. You’ll need an offering for the Goblin King before you descend into the lower levels, though. He likes Magic cards, but Yu-Gi-Oh! holofoils will do in a pinch.
  • Pump C02 straight into the atmosphere and wait for global warming to take care of the rest.
  • Ski to class.
  • Get bitten by radioactive spider and websling your way across campus.
  • Attach a snowplow to your cheesy college Razor scooter.
  • Get some mechies to build you a hairdryer-powered hovercraft. You’ll melt the snow as you go!
  • For those under 4’10’’, repurpose your buggy into a sled.
  • Hardcore parkour!
  • Three words: giant gerbil ball.
  • Pay four CFA graduates to carry you around on a litter.
  • Buy a snowblower.
  • Ride a snowblower.
  • Be the goddamn Batman (this is applicable to almost any situation, really).
  • Learn to moonwalk. The snow can’t trip you up if you’re already frictionless.
  • Agree to be the devil’s bounty hunter in exchange for the ability to wield demonic hellfire. Bonus points: it comes with a motorcycle.

And, if all else fails:

  • Transfer.

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