It is said that Eskimo languages have 115 words for ‘snow’. Here at CMU, though, we have only three words for snow: ‘deal with it’. When readme was your age, it had to walk five miles between classes in the middle of a blizzard and it still didn’t get any credit for attending its recitation. Nowadays, though, we have science, and state of the art anti-snow technology. Most importantly, though, we have readme. So here’s a list of 17 ways to avoid the snow and get to class on time.
- Take the steam tunnels to class. You’ll need an offering for the Goblin King before you descend into the lower levels, though. He likes Magic cards, but Yu-Gi-Oh! holofoils will do in a pinch.
- Pump C02 straight into the atmosphere and wait for global warming to take care of the rest.
- Ski to class.
- Get bitten by radioactive spider and websling your way across campus.
- Attach a snowplow to your cheesy college Razor scooter.
- Get some mechies to build you a hairdryer-powered hovercraft. You’ll melt the snow as you go!
- For those under 4’10’’, repurpose your buggy into a sled.
- Hardcore parkour!
- Three words: giant gerbil ball.
- Pay four CFA graduates to carry you around on a litter.
- Buy a snowblower.
- Ride a snowblower.
- Be the goddamn Batman (this is applicable to almost any situation, really).
- Learn to moonwalk. The snow can’t trip you up if you’re already frictionless.
- Agree to be the devil’s bounty hunter in exchange for the ability to wield demonic hellfire. Bonus points: it comes with a motorcycle.
And, if all else fails: