readme Interviews Oprah Winfrey

Recently readme had the opportunity to sit down with Oprah Winfrey and discuss the allegations being brought up against readme. What follows is a transcript of the conversation.

Oprah Winfrey: Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?

readme: Yes

OW: Was one of those banned substances EPO?

readme: Yes.

OW: Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?

readme: Wait, Oprah, what?

OW: Did you ever use any other banned substances such as testosterone, cortisone or Human Growth Hormone?

readme: No, can we go back to the blood thing? What-

OW: In all seven of your Tour de France victories, did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?

readme: We took a tour of France, once. We went to France once.

OW: Was it humanly possible to win the Tour de France without doping, seven times?

readme: Um, we don’t know where you are getting your information Oprah, but we took a TOUR of France, once. Just once.

OW: For 13 years you didn’t just deny it, you brazenly and defiantly denied everything you just admitted just now. So why now admit it?

readme: France is just a nice place to visit. We aren’t going to deny that.

OW: You were defiant, you called other people liars.

readme: Yeah, other people are liars. But, uh, this doesn’t seem relevant.

OW: Was it hard to live up to that picture that was created?

readme: The picture of us in front of the Eiffel Tower? No. That was easy to live up to.

OW: But didn’t you help paint that picture?

readme: Uh, no? It was taken with a digital camera?

OW: You said to me earlier you don’t think it was possible to win without doping?

readme: You don’t really win a tour of France. You just kinda enjoy it.

OW: USADA issued a 164-page report. CEO Travis Tygart said you and US Postal team pulled off the most sophisticated, professional and successful doping programme sport has ever seen. Was it?

readme: Holy shit that is a long article. Were there pictures? Did you read it?

OW: What was the culture? Can you explain the culture to us?

readme: You want us to explain French culture? Um, really? You might want to find an actual French person to do that.

OW: Was everybody doing it? That’s what we’ve heard. Was everybody doing it?

readme: Doing what? Is this the blood thing again?

OW: How were you able to do it? Walk me through it. Pill deliveries, blood in secret refrigerators… how did it work?

readme: It is the blood thing. Oprah, what the hell? Is this a thing that you do? Is that how you remain so popular? WHAT DID YOU DO TO DR. PHIL?!

OW: Were you afraid of getting caught? In 1999 there was not even a test for EPO…

readme: Shouldn’t you be the one in danger of getting caught? If you stole Dr. Phil and took his blood, that’s kind of a big thing.

OW: Does that include blood transfusions? No doping or blood transfusions in 2009… 2010?

readme: This is so uncomfortable.

OW: Were you the one in charge?

readme: readme is not taking the fall for you Oprah.

OW: One former team-mate, Christian Vande Velde, told USADA you threatened to kick him off the team if he didn’t shape up and conform to the doping programme?

readme: Christian Vande Velde? That sounds like a cartoon villain’s name.

OW: Were you a bully?

readme: Well in 2nd grade there was an incident with The Tartan getting mad at us and they pushed us into a mud puddle. Readme went home and cried for three hours…that wasn’t the question you asked.

OW: But you knew that you were held to a higher standard. You’re Lance Armstrong.

readme: Ooooooooh, yeah here’s the problem. You’re not talking to Lance Armstrong. Oh man, this is awkward. Uh, we’re just gonna go now. But uh, it’s great talking to you Oprah and uh, good luck with your…blood…thing.

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