OH GOD Another Fucking Pokemon Game

With the announcement of the new Pokémon X and Y games for the 3DS come possibly the most perplexing additions to the Pokémon pantheon: Xerneas and Yveltal, two Pokémon apparently meant to represent the letters X and Y. When asked if, hang on, didn’t we already do this with the Unown back in Generation II, a spokesman went on record saying, “No, shut up, this is completely different.”

What, exactly, this means for the Pokémon franchise is unclear. Some posit the X and Y Pokemon are meant to be taken in an algebraic sense, leading to perhaps the only situation where the correct answer to ‘find x’ is to throw a Pokéball at it. Others, like CMU biology grad Tom Sequoia, propose that instead they are meant to represent X and Y chromosomes. This led to follow-up questions of, okay, seriously, we already did the whole DNA thing with Deoxys, what the hell, the Nintendo spokesman replied, “No more questions.”

This theory does, however, explain a few glitches in the game leaked to the public by beta testers. Female beta testers, for instance, complained of an odd effect where having both Xerneas and Yveltal in their party at the same time caused their character to undergo a spontaneous gender shift. “I thought the developers were just implying that girls couldn’t catch both legendaries,” said one such tester, “But I guess this is…better?” she finished with a shrug. Likewise, guys who get a second Xerneas end up genderflipping the other way and getting a third shows you exactly what your Pokémon get up to in the Daycare Center while you’re gone (protip: don’t get a third Xerneas!).

While most think the idea of having legendary Pokémon represent chromosomes is “cool, I guess, I mean it’s okay”, others worry that the dev team will just use this as an excuse to put an even more ungodly number of legendaries in the new game by pretending they somehow represent chromosomes one through twenty-two. “What? No,” the spokesman responded to this accusation, “That would be stupid…now if you’ll excuse me I have to go talk to the developers for a second.”

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