Fall in Love or You Suck

Die you and alone


After several studies, the American Medical Association confirmed that life without romantic love is meaningless and advised single people to go out and find true love, or die young. Eyewitness accounts report that minutes after the study went public, Stephanie Meyers punched the air shouting, “I knew it!”

Hollywood is now marketing chick flicks as “self help guides” and Barnes and Noble transferred The Notebook and Bridget Jones Diaries to its Fitness and Wellness aisles.

“Do whatever you have to.” said Dr. Lebinski. “You can’t believe how many people use the excuse that there’s just no one around who interests them. I say, that if guy lurking in the slushie aisle of the gas station is staring at you, go talk to him! You never know. And just because you don’t see your friends romantically doesn’t mean you can’t change your tastes with a little hard work.”

Dr. Lebinski recommends experiencing head-over-heels, breathtaking love every day.  Romantic love that is, he clarified, “not that wishy-washy my friends are the best, I love them like a brother” kind of love “or sappy I love my life stuff”. The only preventative for your life being an utter failure and waste of time is to fall in love, fast.

Along with those simply too lazy to make themselves fall in love, are an unfortunate body of Americans too preoccupied with friends, work, and hobbies to realize the empty chasm growing in their life, and may even make the mistake of seeking validation in themselves, not in a life partner. One study subject, Daniel Jordans, lived for ten years rescuing people as an EMT and composing symphonies in his off-time. “I thought I had a fulfilling life,” he admitted, shaking his head, “I never realized it was all meaningless without a partner to share it with.”

While the safest route to true love is to accidentally spill coffee on a handsome young man, bond over the realization that he appreciates neo-Victorian vampire mysteries as much as you do, fall out over a hilarious misunderstanding, give a heartfelt apology speech in a way too public area after being talked into it by your spunky best friend, and live happily ever after, doctors conceded that this method does not work for everyone.

In extreme cases, doctors proscribe Stockholm Syndrome. It is unclear how health care will handle these costs.

The AMA advises those who have failed to fall in love to see their local physician to find out why they are cold and soulless.

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