World 2.0

the_world_2.0

 

As foretold by the ancient Mayan sysadmins, support for the current
generation of the Earth, World 1.0, ended on December 21, 2012. In its
place, the Mayans have developed an update: World 2.0.

After a series of maintenance patches and bug fixes, including fixing the
apple security vulnerability that led to wipe of the Eden memory sector,
and repairing the damage from the infamous “flood” glitch that wiped out
most of the population, the Mayans decided to set aside keeping up the old,
outdated program, and started working on an update.

Besides important usability tweaks, like stopping pizza burns, new features
planned included improved graphics, retina resolution, and most
impressively, an overhaul of the Earth’s cooling systems, to stop the
overheating issues commonly known as “global warming.”

Unfortunately, World 2.0 had a rocky start. A resident of Earth proclaimed,
“This new-fangled ‘World 2.0’ is exactly the same as World 1.0! All these
Mayans added was more bloat and more bugs–and don’t even get me started on
the whole ‘fiscal cliff’ system crash. This has been the worst product
launch since Windows Vista. Merh!” A astronomical firmware expert
commented, “People always have unrealistic expectations for updates like
these. But the Mayans themselves are also to blame–first with their
outrageous promises and claims about new features, and then with their
whole publicity stunt of ‘dying off as a civilization’.”

We were unable to reach any living Mayans for a response.

College Cocktails

KetchupCocktail

 

Tepper: crazy rich and entitled
Johnnie Walker Blue: Over two hundred dollars for a bottle of blended scotch (Good, but not as good as a much cheaper single malt. Blended scotch is generally had by those who cannot yet palate single malt).But hey, the good folks at JW will engrave the bottle for you!
CFA: pretentious and pretty
Swedish fish flavored vodka. Flavored vodkas are a great way to add color to life, but god damn if they can’t help but push the envelope, so far no one wants to touch it. Drama however, should be premium vodka. Packaged beautifully with no taste of its own that takes on the character of anything it’s put in.
HSS: poor and pretentious
Vermouth. Essential supporting player in many cocktails, star of none.
Computer Science: Geeky and awkward
(Six parts mountain dew)
Jungle juice. Compile alcohol.bzz, alternatively, the drink high schoolers and other novices make because they don’t know anything better. Also the easiest way to accidentally poison yourself.
Mellon College of Science: overly analytical
Vintage Wine. The only drink with so many complex flavor combinations that only the highest experts will ever be able to taste and whom no one else can stand to listen to for more than three minutes.
Heinz Information Systems: micromanaging/controlling
Water. What, you think I can afford to impair my ability to make decisions?

Fall in Love or You Suck

Die you and alone

 

After several studies, the American Medical Association confirmed that life without romantic love is meaningless and advised single people to go out and find true love, or die young. Eyewitness accounts report that minutes after the study went public, Stephanie Meyers punched the air shouting, “I knew it!”

Hollywood is now marketing chick flicks as “self help guides” and Barnes and Noble transferred The Notebook and Bridget Jones Diaries to its Fitness and Wellness aisles.

“Do whatever you have to.” said Dr. Lebinski. “You can’t believe how many people use the excuse that there’s just no one around who interests them. I say, that if guy lurking in the slushie aisle of the gas station is staring at you, go talk to him! You never know. And just because you don’t see your friends romantically doesn’t mean you can’t change your tastes with a little hard work.”

Dr. Lebinski recommends experiencing head-over-heels, breathtaking love every day.  Romantic love that is, he clarified, “not that wishy-washy my friends are the best, I love them like a brother” kind of love “or sappy I love my life stuff”. The only preventative for your life being an utter failure and waste of time is to fall in love, fast.

Along with those simply too lazy to make themselves fall in love, are an unfortunate body of Americans too preoccupied with friends, work, and hobbies to realize the empty chasm growing in their life, and may even make the mistake of seeking validation in themselves, not in a life partner. One study subject, Daniel Jordans, lived for ten years rescuing people as an EMT and composing symphonies in his off-time. “I thought I had a fulfilling life,” he admitted, shaking his head, “I never realized it was all meaningless without a partner to share it with.”

While the safest route to true love is to accidentally spill coffee on a handsome young man, bond over the realization that he appreciates neo-Victorian vampire mysteries as much as you do, fall out over a hilarious misunderstanding, give a heartfelt apology speech in a way too public area after being talked into it by your spunky best friend, and live happily ever after, doctors conceded that this method does not work for everyone.

In extreme cases, doctors proscribe Stockholm Syndrome. It is unclear how health care will handle these costs.

The AMA advises those who have failed to fall in love to see their local physician to find out why they are cold and soulless.

OH GOD Another Fucking Pokemon Game

With the announcement of the new Pokémon X and Y games for the 3DS come possibly the most perplexing additions to the Pokémon pantheon: Xerneas and Yveltal, two Pokémon apparently meant to represent the letters X and Y. When asked if, hang on, didn’t we already do this with the Unown back in Generation II, a spokesman went on record saying, “No, shut up, this is completely different.”

What, exactly, this means for the Pokémon franchise is unclear. Some posit the X and Y Pokemon are meant to be taken in an algebraic sense, leading to perhaps the only situation where the correct answer to ‘find x’ is to throw a Pokéball at it. Others, like CMU biology grad Tom Sequoia, propose that instead they are meant to represent X and Y chromosomes. This led to follow-up questions of, okay, seriously, we already did the whole DNA thing with Deoxys, what the hell, the Nintendo spokesman replied, “No more questions.”

This theory does, however, explain a few glitches in the game leaked to the public by beta testers. Female beta testers, for instance, complained of an odd effect where having both Xerneas and Yveltal in their party at the same time caused their character to undergo a spontaneous gender shift. “I thought the developers were just implying that girls couldn’t catch both legendaries,” said one such tester, “But I guess this is…better?” she finished with a shrug. Likewise, guys who get a second Xerneas end up genderflipping the other way and getting a third shows you exactly what your Pokémon get up to in the Daycare Center while you’re gone (protip: don’t get a third Xerneas!).

While most think the idea of having legendary Pokémon represent chromosomes is “cool, I guess, I mean it’s okay”, others worry that the dev team will just use this as an excuse to put an even more ungodly number of legendaries in the new game by pretending they somehow represent chromosomes one through twenty-two. “What? No,” the spokesman responded to this accusation, “That would be stupid…now if you’ll excuse me I have to go talk to the developers for a second.”

CMU’s New Years’ Resolutions

cohoncrying

 

  • Sleep
  • Don’t eat at the Underground
  • Try to spend 20 minutes near a window with the shade up each day
  • Shower more than once a month
  • Have an audibe communication with your crush
  • Make friends that aren’t robots/computer programs
  • learn to cook things that take more than two steps
  • stop eating cookie dough raw
  • start eating cookie dough raw
  • start doing laundry instead of buying jeans in bulk at costco
  • Do your homework
  • Don’t Do your homework
  • get that split personality thing looked at
  • 1920×1080
  • Hug Jared Cohon (srsly. He’s leaving)
  • Write an article for readme

Ways to avoid the snow

SnowBlowerRider

 

It is said that Eskimo languages have 115 words for ‘snow’. Here at CMU, though, we have only three words for snow: ‘deal with it’. When readme was your age, it had to walk five miles between classes in the middle of a blizzard and it still didn’t get any credit for attending its recitation. Nowadays, though, we have science, and state of the art anti-snow technology. Most importantly, though, we have readme. So here’s a list of 17 ways to avoid the snow and get to class on time.

  • Take the steam tunnels to class. You’ll need an offering for the Goblin King before you descend into the lower levels, though. He likes Magic cards, but Yu-Gi-Oh! holofoils will do in a pinch.
  • Pump C02 straight into the atmosphere and wait for global warming to take care of the rest.
  • Ski to class.
  • Get bitten by radioactive spider and websling your way across campus.
  • Attach a snowplow to your cheesy college Razor scooter.
  • Get some mechies to build you a hairdryer-powered hovercraft. You’ll melt the snow as you go!
  • For those under 4’10’’, repurpose your buggy into a sled.
  • Hardcore parkour!
  • Three words: giant gerbil ball.
  • Pay four CFA graduates to carry you around on a litter.
  • Buy a snowblower.
  • Ride a snowblower.
  • Be the goddamn Batman (this is applicable to almost any situation, really).
  • Learn to moonwalk. The snow can’t trip you up if you’re already frictionless.
  • Agree to be the devil’s bounty hunter in exchange for the ability to wield demonic hellfire. Bonus points: it comes with a motorcycle.

And, if all else fails:

  • Transfer.

readme Interviews Oprah Winfrey

Recently readme had the opportunity to sit down with Oprah Winfrey and discuss the allegations being brought up against readme. What follows is a transcript of the conversation.

Oprah Winfrey: Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?

readme: Yes

OW: Was one of those banned substances EPO?

readme: Yes.

OW: Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?

readme: Wait, Oprah, what?

OW: Did you ever use any other banned substances such as testosterone, cortisone or Human Growth Hormone?

readme: No, can we go back to the blood thing? What-

OW: In all seven of your Tour de France victories, did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?

readme: We took a tour of France, once. We went to France once.

OW: Was it humanly possible to win the Tour de France without doping, seven times?

readme: Um, we don’t know where you are getting your information Oprah, but we took a TOUR of France, once. Just once.

OW: For 13 years you didn’t just deny it, you brazenly and defiantly denied everything you just admitted just now. So why now admit it?

readme: France is just a nice place to visit. We aren’t going to deny that.

OW: You were defiant, you called other people liars.

readme: Yeah, other people are liars. But, uh, this doesn’t seem relevant.

OW: Was it hard to live up to that picture that was created?

readme: The picture of us in front of the Eiffel Tower? No. That was easy to live up to.

OW: But didn’t you help paint that picture?

readme: Uh, no? It was taken with a digital camera?

OW: You said to me earlier you don’t think it was possible to win without doping?

readme: You don’t really win a tour of France. You just kinda enjoy it.

OW: USADA issued a 164-page report. CEO Travis Tygart said you and US Postal team pulled off the most sophisticated, professional and successful doping programme sport has ever seen. Was it?

readme: Holy shit that is a long article. Were there pictures? Did you read it?

OW: What was the culture? Can you explain the culture to us?

readme: You want us to explain French culture? Um, really? You might want to find an actual French person to do that.

OW: Was everybody doing it? That’s what we’ve heard. Was everybody doing it?

readme: Doing what? Is this the blood thing again?

OW: How were you able to do it? Walk me through it. Pill deliveries, blood in secret refrigerators… how did it work?

readme: It is the blood thing. Oprah, what the hell? Is this a thing that you do? Is that how you remain so popular? WHAT DID YOU DO TO DR. PHIL?!

OW: Were you afraid of getting caught? In 1999 there was not even a test for EPO…

readme: Shouldn’t you be the one in danger of getting caught? If you stole Dr. Phil and took his blood, that’s kind of a big thing.

OW: Does that include blood transfusions? No doping or blood transfusions in 2009… 2010?

readme: This is so uncomfortable.

OW: Were you the one in charge?

readme: readme is not taking the fall for you Oprah.

OW: One former team-mate, Christian Vande Velde, told USADA you threatened to kick him off the team if he didn’t shape up and conform to the doping programme?

readme: Christian Vande Velde? That sounds like a cartoon villain’s name.

OW: Were you a bully?

readme: Well in 2nd grade there was an incident with The Tartan getting mad at us and they pushed us into a mud puddle. Readme went home and cried for three hours…that wasn’t the question you asked.

OW: But you knew that you were held to a higher standard. You’re Lance Armstrong.

readme: Ooooooooh, yeah here’s the problem. You’re not talking to Lance Armstrong. Oh man, this is awkward. Uh, we’re just gonna go now. But uh, it’s great talking to you Oprah and uh, good luck with your…blood…thing.

You Are What You Pretend to Eat

TeddyRooseveltGrahams

A recent subgroup of vegetarians is making waves in the animal rights movement. Calling themselves anti-imitarian, they demand that people not only stop eating foods made from animals, but any foods that look like animals. “Finally,” bystander Dora Stevens observed with relief, “the phrase ‘I don’t eat anything with a face’ will have actual, literal meaning.”

Some find the new demand confusing, as surely there can be no harm in eating animals that don’t actually exist in the first place. When asked about this, Casey Bielski, spokesperson for the movement, sniffed, “I wouldn’t expect a Finn-the-Cheddar-Goldfish-killer like you to understand.”

“Eating animal-shaped food blurs the line between fantasy and reality,” says Aloysus Krause, another advocate of the new diet, “Do you know how many children who grow up eating cow-shaped animal crackers go on to eat hamburgers? Once someone’s bitten off the head of a Goldfish, how long is it until they go to a restaurant and order filet mignon?”

The list of banned foods is surprisingly extensive, including but not limited to animal crackers, Teddy Grahams, gummy bears, gummy worms, novelty-shaped pancakes, cashew turtles, Goldfish, and Swedish Fish (unless you’re a pesca-anti-imitarian).

Of course, as with any new diet fad, members are divided on various gray areas. Some, for instance, avoid food named after animals as well, like zebra cake and ants on a log, while others see no issue with it. Egg-shaped foods like Cadbury Eggs are divisive as well. When asked about the ethicality of gingerbread men, though, most anti-imitarian agree that it’s probably fine.

That the trend is facing some criticism is no shock, though it does have enemies in surprising corners. The conservative right, for instance, condemns the trend, accusing the groups of trying to take the ‘Eat’ out of ‘Easter’. [Editor’s note: “Eat-ster”?] “Jesus himself ate Peeps and chocolate bunnies on Easter Sunday,” said Pastor Brim Thunderstone, “Saying it’s wrong for us to do the same is a violation of our religious freedom.”

Despite this, the group is determined to press on with its agenda, though not without some minor setbacks. “We’re having a little trouble coming up with a good slogan,” marketing representative Erika Valditi admits, “‘Fake Meat is Fake Murder’ seems a bit counterproductive, and ‘Fake Meat is a Misdemeanor Crime Punishable by a Fine of up to 5000 Dollars and Six to Eight Months in Jail’ doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. ‘Fake Meat is Fraud’, maybe?”

Gun Control Sweeps CMU

AndrewNerfGun

In a shocking sign of government overreach, the Student Senate recently signed into law new Nerf gun control legislation. The original bill aimed to ban all mentally disturbed individuals from owning Nerf guns; however, that law had to be weakened as that includes everyone at Carnegie Mellon.

The new legislation aims to control the types of Nerf guns that all-American (and all-foreign) CMU students are allowed to own. The most frustrating restrictions include magazine limits of six darts per gun and bans any Nerf gun that could be considered excessively awesome dangerous. A permit is also required to buy a Nerf gun, which can be obtained either by taking 8 weeks of Nerf gun safety courses or by buying pizza for the people at the Info Desk.

Not everyone is pleased with the new Nerf gun legislations. In a recent survey, only 10% of undergraduates supported these regulations vs. 15% against any new gun laws (75% were unaware that CMU had a Student Senate). Several students were actively planning to overthrow the Senate, but due to some poorly-labeled Facebook posts they are currently being held in Guantanamo Bay for attempted treason. Several CS majors have hoarded dozens of Nerf guns and thousands of darts in the Gates 3000 cluster, taking the Tazza D’Oro hipsters as hostages until their demands are met. This plan seems to be fundamentally flawed, as no one gives a shit about hipsters. Also, they’ve started a giant Nerf gun war in Gates, which looks both incredibly dangerous and fun as hell. readme predicts no survivors.

Te’o: Totally an Important Issue, For Reals

It was a tranquil morning lingering over the news. Same old, same old: Algerian hostage deaths, the Russian adoption controversy. Then readme saw something that made all that pale, something that cut to the heart and made readme shed a tear: a football player’s girlfriend had died. It was a tragedy of unprecedented proportions, readme thought, and it seemed, the nation agreed.

Manti Te’o’s girlfriend had died and now nothing else mattered. Then readme found out that Lennay never actually existed. Grief beyond all other: could Manti have deceived us? How could the Great Institution of College Football have become so corrupted?!

Fortunately, spokespeople for Manti’s team at Notre Dame came up with a perfectly buyable and reasonable explanation. Lennay Kekua had been a hoax, but Manti Te’o had been as much a victim as readme had been! He hadn’t known Lennay was non-existent. His relationship with the girl had been strictly online. Somehow, despite the existence of applications like Skype and other video-chatting programs, Manti had completely avoided ever seeing the face of his alleged girlfriend!

“Ah!” sighed readme, “I can, once again, worship at the altar of sport!”

readme quickly consumed all known information on the hoax, much of which was offered openly by spokespeople for the team and Manti, himself.

readme could not help but note, with appreciation, the effort the spokesmen had gone to provide a complete explanation for the kerfuffle, given the school’s previous inability to report reliably on the events surround the sexual assault and rape of two respective young women, perpetrated by members of that same football team. readme can’t help but love how Notre Dame has learned from its mistakes and come to report the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me the Great Institution of College Football.