The Fiscal Cliff Looms

As the US government grows increasingly fucked up, a new problem has arisen: the fiscal cliff. Since readme honestly doesn’t give a shit about monetary policy, we have to assume the worst: President Obama has built an actual cliff made entirely out of $100 bills and is threatening to push people off of it. Since the current US deficit is approximately a bajillion dollars (give or take $27.50), the cliff must be approximately 2000 feet high and littered with the bones of crushed interns and Alan Greenspan.

The cliff has existed in one form or another since the 1930’s, when the US Government built it to protect themselves from the poor people overthrowing them. There were a few casualties during its original construction, most famously FDR who tripped on a stray $50 bill and fell several hundred feet, breaking both of his legs (I mean really, polio? That’s not even a real disease). After WWII, most politicians used the cliff for strictly recreational purposes. Nixon was known for skydiving off of it, Carter enjoyed swimming in it Scrooge McDuck-style, and Bill Clinton usually lounged around on it, surrounded by hot female interns. For your own health and safety, you should probably never touch any money in the pile from the Clinton administration.

President Obama, however, has decided to use the fiscal cliff as a method of intimidation rather than intimacy. His most recent ultimatum to the Republican-controlled House reads as follows: “For every day taxes are not raised on the rich, I will throw a puppy off the cliff. When I run out of puppies, I’ll start throwing war veterans off. You don’t want to know what happens when I run out of war veterans. PRESIDENT OUT, BITCHES.” The constitutionality of this ultimatum is probably debatable, but honestly we’re too scared to question it.

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