Serbian village claims return of vampire

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In recent news, a village in Serbian has claimed that a vampire by the name of Sava Savanovic has returned and now lives in the woods outside their village. According to villager testimony, though, this alleged vampire doesn’t sparkle, stalk teenage girls, whine about having the skin of a killer, or play baseball during thunderstorms, so readme can’t help but feel these villagers are taking some serious liberties with the vampire mythos. They admit Savanovic probably doesn’t wash his hair, though, so points for that.

The villagers believe they can use the vampire’s existence for the sake of increasing tourism, thus proving once and for all that mankind really is as stupid as the nameless victim in a horror movie. readme, for its part, sent its loudest and most obnoxious field reporter, Skeptic McDeadmeat, over to investigate. “Well, obviously, this ‘vampire’ is a hoax,” McDeadmeat asserted smarmily when he first arrived in the village, “Nothing more than silly native superstition. And the safest way to prove this will be to head over to the place where he lives all by myself in the middle of the night with no weapons or other ways to defend myself.”

“According to the villagers, it’s important to remain calm and never make fun of [Savanovic],” McDeadmeat continued douchily, “Which is why I’ll start flailing my arms wildly the moment I enter the woods screaming about the fatness of Savanovic’s mother. Surely, that will improve my chances of surviving the night.” readme has yet to hear back from McDeadmeat, which is odd because it’s been a week since he was supposed to report in, but we’re sure he’s totally fine and not lying in the woods somewhere, his corpse exsanguinated by a pissed-off vampire. If he doesn’t call back soon, we’ll just have to send our other field reporter, innocent ingénue Purity Blondechick, over alone to investigate.

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