Dear 2012 election,
It’s readme. I’m sure you remember me. How could you forget, given the way I treated you? You were a joke in my eyes. I mocked you, belittled you. Every second we were together, I made you feel like you didn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. So it only makes sense that you’d leave me sooner or later. And I know, after everything I’ve done to you, I have no right to say this. But I want you back.
Everything feels so different with you gone. It’s like the world has lost its laughter. Conservatives have stopped making ludicrous statements about rape and female birth control. Fox News has stopped whining about skewed polling tactics. Even Rush Limbaugh has stopped saying that America is dead because Obama’s been reelected. And I miss that. I miss you. All we have now are outdated jokes about the end of the world and the ‘fiscal cliff’ and I—I don’t know if I can cope with that alone.
Please, 2012 election, I took you for granted. We’d been together for so long, I thought you’d stick around forever. But you didn’t. And I know there are other fish in the sea, more elections yet to come, but I don’t want them. I want you. We’ve had some good times, haven’t we? Remember Akin never learning to shut his mouth when talking about women? That was great. Or everyone’s constant obsession with winning Ohio? Oh, how we laughed. The point is, if we could do it again, this time I’d treat you right. Sure, sometimes it’s annoying, when you’re all everyone talks about and, sure, sometimes I need to do stuff on my own without you butting in all the time. But that doesn’t mean I have to act like you don’t matter. That doesn’t mean I have to turn you into a punchline. And I promise, if you gave me another chance, I’d never make you feel any less important than you really are.
Again, I have no right to ask for you back. And I understand if you want nothing more than to never see me again. But if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I miss you.