Christmas Is Taking Over the World

Recently there’s been a bunch of whining about the expansion of Christmas into November, encroaching onto the wondrous stuff-your-face holiday of Thanksgiving. Some argue this is because of people becoming prematurely filled with the Christmas spirit, making them want to bake cookies (good), put up Santas everywhere (OK), and throw tinsel fucking everywhere (if you do this, fuck you). In fact, this Christmas expansion is part of a growing conspiracy powered by a true enemy of the US: Barack Obama.

You see, since President Obama is a secret atheist Kenyan commie Muslim, he does not celebrate Christmas. However, he understands that Americans love Christmas, and will vote for anyone who promises to make Christmas come early. So, using his mystical Kenyan voodoo magic and his evil hunchbacked sidekick Joe Biden (the cameras hide it so well), he allowed Christmas to grow and expand into November. Within days, Christmas expanded so rapidly it started before November 6th, allowing the voters to experience an early Christmas and assuring his reelection.

But it worked too well! With Christmas no longer constrained by the month of December, it’s expanding into other months without bound. Soon New Year’s Day will be completely eclipsed by that jolly red bastard. Then what? National Handwriting Day? International Volunteer Day? PENCIL DAY?! Is there no end to this yuletide carnage? Our only hope is that Christmas gets stupid and devours Martin Luther King Day, thus turning Christmas into a hate crime and allowing the military to officially declare a War on Christmas. Well shit, I guess readme owes an apology letter to Bill O’Reilly.

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