A Christmas Ringtone

BingMarley

Bah, Spambot!

Bing was dead to begin with, as dead as a doornail. This one thing you must remember, or everything that follows will seem pretty damn pointless. Ebenezer Scroogle, a covetous old search engine was sitting in his office, counting his piles of ill-gotten web search blood money when he was suddenly visited by a familiar face.

“Bing Marley, my old business partner!” Scroogle said, springing up from his seal-pelt swivel chair, “I thought you were long dead!”

“You and the rest of the Internet,” Bing replied mournfully, “But I am here to warn you to repent and embrace the Christmas spirit. You must not rank shop search results based on paid advertisements. It ruins the integrity of online shopping. Repent, or you will fade into obscurity as I did.”

“But Bing,” Scroogle told him, “Online shoppers are intelligent enough to search around for low prices. This new policy is pure economics.”

“Ah, but Ebenezer, you were not always so driven by profiteering. Remember the days when you were just a simple college research project?” Bing Marley asked.

“I was a boy then,” Scroogle said, “Now I’m a company, and we have to make profits.”

“Not so, Ebenezer,” Bing told him, “There are many search engine companies that care nothing for profits.”

“Like?”

Bing Marley thought about this. “Can I get back to you on that?” he asked. Scroogle got up to leave. “Wait!” Bing cried, “What about your beleaguered assistant, Bob AskJeeves and his sickly son Tiny Tumbler?”

“Tiny Tumbler’s fine,” Scroogle said.

“But if you don’t repent, millions of users will flock to my web service, disillusioned by your dishonest practices!” Bing told him.

“Somehow, I’m willing to risk that.”

“But I have three other search engines on standby! AOL is playing the Ghost of Web Searches Past!” Bing yelled at Scroogle as he left to his island mansion built on the skulls of dead orphans. In the end, Scroogle continued to rack shop results based on advertisements, but did agree to change the Google homepage to something more festive on Christmas day, which was deemed an acceptable compromise. Tiny Tumbler did not die, and absolutely no one switched to Bing.

THE END

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