Dear 2012 election,
It’s readme. I’m sure you remember me. How could you forget, given the way I treated you? You were a joke in my eyes. I mocked you, belittled you. Every second we were together, I made you feel like you didn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. So it only makes sense that you’d leave me sooner or later. And I know, after everything I’ve done to you, I have no right to say this. But I want you back.
Everything feels so different with you gone. It’s like the world has lost its laughter. Conservatives have stopped making ludicrous statements about rape and female birth control. Fox News has stopped whining about skewed polling tactics. Even Rush Limbaugh has stopped saying that America is dead because Obama’s been reelected. And I miss that. I miss you. All we have now are outdated jokes about the end of the world and the ‘fiscal cliff’ and I—I don’t know if I can cope with that alone.
Please, 2012 election, I took you for granted. We’d been together for so long, I thought you’d stick around forever. But you didn’t. And I know there are other fish in the sea, more elections yet to come, but I don’t want them. I want you. We’ve had some good times, haven’t we? Remember Akin never learning to shut his mouth when talking about women? That was great. Or everyone’s constant obsession with winning Ohio? Oh, how we laughed. The point is, if we could do it again, this time I’d treat you right. Sure, sometimes it’s annoying, when you’re all everyone talks about and, sure, sometimes I need to do stuff on my own without you butting in all the time. But that doesn’t mean I have to act like you don’t matter. That doesn’t mean I have to turn you into a punchline. And I promise, if you gave me another chance, I’d never make you feel any less important than you really are.
Again, I have no right to ask for you back. And I understand if you want nothing more than to never see me again. But if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I miss you.
As the US government grows increasingly fucked up, a new problem has arisen: the fiscal cliff. Since readme honestly doesn’t give a shit about monetary policy, we have to assume the worst: President Obama has built an actual cliff made entirely out of $100 bills and is threatening to push people off of it. Since the current US deficit is approximately a bajillion dollars (give or take $27.50), the cliff must be approximately 2000 feet high and littered with the bones of crushed interns and Alan Greenspan.
The cliff has existed in one form or another since the 1930’s, when the US Government built it to protect themselves from the poor people overthrowing them. There were a few casualties during its original construction, most famously FDR who tripped on a stray $50 bill and fell several hundred feet, breaking both of his legs (I mean really, polio? That’s not even a real disease). After WWII, most politicians used the cliff for strictly recreational purposes. Nixon was known for skydiving off of it, Carter enjoyed swimming in it Scrooge McDuck-style, and Bill Clinton usually lounged around on it, surrounded by hot female interns. For your own health and safety, you should probably never touch any money in the pile from the Clinton administration.
President Obama, however, has decided to use the fiscal cliff as a method of intimidation rather than intimacy. His most recent ultimatum to the Republican-controlled House reads as follows: “For every day taxes are not raised on the rich, I will throw a puppy off the cliff. When I run out of puppies, I’ll start throwing war veterans off. You don’t want to know what happens when I run out of war veterans. PRESIDENT OUT, BITCHES.” The constitutionality of this ultimatum is probably debatable, but honestly we’re too scared to question it.
In the response to the new Facebook guideline, readme hereby declares that its copyright is attached to all of its personal details, photoshops, bad puns, LOLcat collections, and desperate letters to the Tartan, etc. (as a result of her dumping it like a shallow bitch).
For commercial use of the above readme’s written consent and massive cash royalties are needed at all times.
By the présent communiqué, readmoi notifies le Facelivre that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, disseminate, or take any other action against it on the basis of this newspaper and/or its contents (especially lawsuits. Can we please take lawsuits off the table?). The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to employees, minions, mindslaves, and/or any unholy abominations under Facebook’s direction or control. The content of this newspaper is private and confidential information (which is why we distribute it to as many people as humanly possible on a biweekly basis). The violation of readme’s privacy is punished by law, it thinks (at the very least, by bears).
Facebook is now an open capital entity, as opposed to before when it was just an obscenely popular social messaging site with thousands of apps you could pay money to use, we guess. All newspapers are recommended to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version (editor: not always: “editor: ha, lol, we use pdfs, bitches!”). If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the ghost of Andrew Carnegie to come into your dorm rooms and steal your soul. Remember: SOON.
Recently there’s been a bunch of whining about the expansion of Christmas into November, encroaching onto the wondrous stuff-your-face holiday of Thanksgiving. Some argue this is because of people becoming prematurely filled with the Christmas spirit, making them want to bake cookies (good), put up Santas everywhere (OK), and throw tinsel fucking everywhere (if you do this, fuck you). In fact, this Christmas expansion is part of a growing conspiracy powered by a true enemy of the US: Barack Obama.
You see, since President Obama is a secret atheist Kenyan commie Muslim, he does not celebrate Christmas. However, he understands that Americans love Christmas, and will vote for anyone who promises to make Christmas come early. So, using his mystical Kenyan voodoo magic and his evil hunchbacked sidekick Joe Biden (the cameras hide it so well), he allowed Christmas to grow and expand into November. Within days, Christmas expanded so rapidly it started before November 6th, allowing the voters to experience an early Christmas and assuring his reelection.
But it worked too well! With Christmas no longer constrained by the month of December, it’s expanding into other months without bound. Soon New Year’s Day will be completely eclipsed by that jolly red bastard. Then what? National Handwriting Day? International Volunteer Day? PENCIL DAY?! Is there no end to this yuletide carnage? Our only hope is that Christmas gets stupid and devours Martin Luther King Day, thus turning Christmas into a hate crime and allowing the military to officially declare a War on Christmas. Well shit, I guess readme owes an apology letter to Bill O’Reilly.
With the end of the world approaching fast, we’re going to need a new universe soon. Since this crappy universe is obviously defective, readme is making the following changes:
- No more cilantro
- Pluto is a planet
- New religion: Hypnotoad
- Cilantro is back
- Up and down quarks are now lemon and lime quarks
- Cancer gives you the power to fly
- Goddammit, get rid of the cilantro
- All horses can dance
- Jupiter is made of bakclava
- Fuck you #7, cilantro is delicious
- Firefly is back on the air
- Upvotes/Downvotes work in real life
- FUCK YOU #10, CILANTRO IS AWFUL
- All dogs go to heaven
- All cats can rot in hell
- CILANTRO IS ULTRA-AMERICAN, #13. WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?
- Fuck you
- No, fuck you
- No, fuck YOUUUUUUUUUUU
This list has been stopped due to technical difficulties. It will resume when these two assholes finally resolve their differences, which is never. Wait, did we get rid of the eventual heat death of the universe? We didn’t? OH SHI-
Take this quiz to find out!