The End Is Nigh

Carnegie Mellon religious studies professors have discovered that The End, which was previously thought to be several years off, is in fact Nigh. The usual system of sacrificing a virgin to stave off impending doom, which has worked for over a century, failed this year as Pitt was unable to find any virgins on the entire campus. CMU would offer one of its students as a sacrifice, but due to a contract mistake CMU forgot to add a sacrificing waiver that causes all students to forfeit their immortal souls for CMU to use and abuse. So yeah, we’re fucked.

With doom fast approaching, CMU students have all taken the news differently. CS majors, realizing that their lives could be ending at any second, have banded together in the cluster and finish compiling their kernels. CIT students, fearing that the end of days will involve a nuclear explosion, have turned the deepest basement of Doherty into a bomb shelter. Like all good shelters, it contains food, water, buckets of moonshine, and most of the meth produced by the MCS meth lab class (09-499). To make room for the shelter, the arts classes were evicted from Doherty and left to beg for protection from Purnell, who wouldn’t offer them protection because actors are assholes.

Fearing even worse hurricanes than Sandy, the architecture majors have teamed up with Buggy to create a massive Buggy ark. However, due to size restrictions, only students under 5 feet tall will be able to fit. Also, since nobody will be available to push the ark anywhere in particular, they’ve equipped the ark with several jet engines. Currently progress is slowed since initial engine testing caused the ark to overshoot Hill 1 and crash into the side of Tepper, causing millions of dollars in damages. Honestly, the panic might be causing more damage than the actual end of days. But what do I know, I’m not an accountant.

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