The White House was faced with a major gaffe after it found that Adolf, the turkey President Obama pardoned Monday, deserves to die.
“Adolf is a serial killer rapist terrorist,” the National Turkey Federation said of the 45-lb bird, “There must be some kind of mix up. Of all the turkeys we’ve raised for America, this is the only one we know should die.”
Unlike his brethren sent to grocery stores this November, Adolf turkey is currently living in luxury on an exclusive Utah ranch. The Broad Breasted White is handfed pure gold and black tar heroin.
PETA surprised many by joining the call for the turkey’s death, “For the ethical treatment of all animals, the criminal turkey known as Adolf needs to be hunted down and murdered – humanely.”
CNN labeled the act the worst thing since Ford pardoned Nixon. Taking advantage of the outcry, Mitt Romney asked America if this meant it was willing for a re-vote.
Pumpkin and Pecan, turkeys pardoned in 2008, were shocked and appalled by the scandal. “This besmirches the beautiful American tradition of killing only 45 million turkeys each Thanksgiving, not 45 million and two. We’re very grateful,” said Pumpkin, and then pecked readme in the foot.
It seemed unlikely that Adolf would ever answer for his crimes. The turkey’s lawyer, Dr. Bigglestein, bound the President’s hands when he invoked the cherished American mandate of no-take backs.
However, justice came in the night. Ranch owners were shocked yesterday to find that Adolf was nowhere to be found. While many assume the bird has been eaten, conspiracy theorists say the broken fence and coyote tracks were merely faked by the CIA.
When asked for comment, the feathers scattered about the ranch fluttered in the wind, but did not peck readme in the foot.