Crime and Incident Report

Assault and Battery

University Police arrived at Doherty last Thursday to separate a student intent on violently attacking a political volunteer. After being asked to register to vote for the thousandth fucking time, the student apparently snapped and tried to kill the volunteer. Police refused to arrest the student, since those volunteers are so goddamn irritating and we’re all tired of them bothering us.

Noise Complaint

Campus Police were summoned to Baker Hall for a report of loud crying. After tumblr servers crashed for several hours, H&SS students were unable to get their bihourly hipster fix, destroying their already fragile psyches. The police comforted the hipsters until tumblr was back online, which seemed to end the sadness. However, one of the H&SS students decided to look at his resume during the offline period, leading to a new round of wailing and gnashing of teeth. The police ignored this, as nothing could be done.

Drug Use

Campus Police arrested 20 students in McConomy last Saturday for smoking marijuana. However, it turned out the students were actually members of Scotch and Soda who were in the middle of a performance of Reefer Madness. The police suspected something was amiss when they realized drug users don’t usually sing that much.


Tank, CMU’s leading roboceptionist, was reported missing last Friday. Police naturally suspected foul play, as we’re pretty sure Tank doesn’t have legs. After interrogating everybody in Newell-Simon over two days, Tank mysteriously reappeared on Monday morning in his usual spot. When readme asked where he had been, Tank only repeated “I was being serviced,” then gave a creepy wink. We absolutely refuse to look into what actually happened, mostly because it’s either really boring or absolutely horrifying. Maybe both.

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