Caring for Your CMU Student

readme recently received the following letter from a fan:

Dear readme,

I’ve gone through three CMU students in the past year, and Im not sure what I’m doing wrong! They keep dying but I can’t seem to figure out why! Please share your advice with me. I just got a new one off misc market and I don’t want him to die too!

Love in the time of cholera,

Lowen B. Hold

Well, Lowen, we’ll be happy to help you out there. To care for your CMU simply follow this list of rules.

  1. Keep in mind that your CMU student is forgetful. (s)he will forget to bathe, causing him/her to develop horrible infections which will lead to his/her demise. If you notice your CMU student hacking up blood and whispering “rosebud” into the night, you may want to take him/her to Health Services.
  2. Make sure to feed your CMU student at least 3 times a week, as he/she will likely forget to feed him/herself. Watch your CMU student while they order food or they may decide to live solely off of coffee and slices of pizza abandoned on top of garbage cans.
  3. Without Wifi access, CMU students shrivel up in die. This will also occur if you expose them to too much direct sunlight. Therefore, before you take your CMU student home, be sure to have a nice, dark, quiet place prepared for them. Like Harry’s cupboard under the stairs, but with Wifi access.
  4. CMU students’ other form of nourishment is TV shows. Make sure, before you bring him/her into your home, that you have a fully stocked case of science fiction TV shows and DVDs of Dexter.

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