A New President

 

What a campaign season it’s been! After years of negative campaign ads, countless debates, and literally thousands of Santorum jokes, finally a president has been chosen. As a true American patriot, readme is proud to celebrate our new president of the United States: Jared Cohon.

Yes, current and soon-to-be former president Jared Cohon has won the presidency. Unlike Obama and Romney, only Cohon had the necessary executive experience, considering he’s been president of CMU for the last 15 years. Along with vice president Scotty T. Dog (the T stands for the), Cohon will combine the brilliant ideas of CMU with the crazy and dangerous powers that come with the presidency.

For his first act as president, Cohon will declare Carnival week to be a national holiday, a time for all people to take a break from work, come together as a nation, and get absolutely shitfaced. Additionally, a dangerously large budget has been allotted to Booth, allowing all groups to build dangerously large and elaborate Booths. New regulations will also be required after KGB constructed a 50-foot tall animatronic Godzilla for small children to play on. There were no survivors.

Cohon’s second act as president will be to subsidize the price of tuition at CMU, allowing students to attend free of charge and rent cheap textbooks and bwahahahaha I’m just fucking with you. Seriously, tuition will go up another 5 percent and books now cost $500 each. Also the meal plans are even more expensive. Goddammit Cohon.

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