Last Tuesday NASA scientists were startled to discover the source of wormholes
is, in fact, worms. Though many astrophysicists had theorized a sort of Lumbricus
extraterrestris that burrows its way through the fabric of spacetime, Tuesday’s
observations are the first time such theories have been supported. The revelation
has groundbreaking implications for interstellar travel and even time travel. If a
ship could follow a worm through one wormhole opening to the other, it could
effectively take a shortcut through spacetime, allowing humanity to reach distant
parts of the universe in negligible amounts of time. Time travel may even be
possible. Despite accusations that the wormhole findings will just open this new can
of worms, NASA says the new information marks a step forward for humanity.
Astrophysicists and cosmologists are puzzled as to why we have never before
detected the gigantic invertebrates. NASA has suggested that a recent meteor
shower may have forced the space worms out of their holes, just as terrestrial rain
showers prompt earthworms to cover the sidewalk and make your boots icky all
day. There is a large amount of disappointment that the 1997 Early Bird satellite
was not the one to catch the worm.
While answering the nature of wormholes, NASA’s discovery has sparked more
questions: Can Lumbricus extraterrestris be harnessed and directed to burrow
where we like? Is cutting a space worm in half an economic way to get two space
worms? Does the flourishing of worms in space, indicated by their enormous size,
mean that the universe is really some sort of cosmic compost heap? If so, is dark
matter the astronomical equivalent of table scraps? Aren’t Americans the best?
Clearly, much more study will have to be done.
Humanity is living in an exciting time.