In the latest GOP news, would-be murderer Karl Rove apologized to would-
be rapist Todd Akin. Rove had suggested he might kill Akin for his comments
invalidating the horrifying experience of millions of rape victims.
Watching this exchange, Obama has decided to embrace the image of him as a
dining room chair, noting that if this is what the GOP has to offer, an inanimate
piece of furniture is a more moral and capable leader.
In a careful effort to restore the GOP’s public image, Newt Gingrich and Mike
Huckabee rushed in and lambasted Rove for maligning a rapist-enabler. Rove
apologized for being so inappropriate as to treat lightly the murder of one person,
promising that he would shape up and next time just treat lightly the torture of
Rove also clarified that his original comment was a misunderstanding – he had
only meant that he would illegitimately murder Akin. “Legitimate murder is awful.
I understand why people are upset now,” said Rove, hoping they could all get a
drink and laugh about it.
“I’m not just going to stab him if he doesn’t want me to,” continued Rove, who
admitted that if he sees Akin drunk, looking like a douche who ought to get
stabbed, Rove can’t be held responsible. “Akin’s mouth might say ‘no, please
don’t kill me I have so much to live for’, but if his eyes say ‘yes’, well, I can’t see a
court getting mad over that.”
Besides, Rove added, even if he – had – meant legitimate murder, it wouldn’t be so
bad. The body has defense mechanisms and knows to shut down when a knife is
being thrust into it for real, not just for fun.