Plumbers Vow Accountability

After years of abuse, plumbers will now be held responsible to their employers, the
people. Max Walls and Ann Larken, the top contenders for the 2011 Pennsylvania
Plumbers Election, are just two new recruits seeking to distance themselves from
what the media has attacked as “elitist plumbing.”

“I’m just like you,” said Larken, a Caucasian brunette with a husband and 2-3
children. “Like anyone else I have to decide whether to buy the egg white McMuffin
or the Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast sandwich,” she told supporters at a rally last
Thursday that she understood their problems. “I, too, like Audrey Hepburn and
would also rather be playing Pokémon than learning how to fix your garbage
disposal.” One housewife told the Times she was delighted to finally see a candidate
who knew what it was like to give up and call a plumber.

Increasing numbers of plumbers have signed a petition authored by Max Walls
promising accountability. Instead stopping your sink from overflowing the way
that pleases them, personally, they will have to carefully weigh the opinions of
each member of the family involved. In a recent interview Max Walls pointed to
an example of what to expect if the petition becomes law. Walls had wanted to use
an auger on his client’s clogged toilet, but the client voted for using Drano. The
client’s opinion won in majority rule when her son sided with her, beating out Wall’s
vote. “It’s not what I would have chosen,” Walls admitted, worrying that Drano
would eat at the bowl and not solve the problem “but I’ll respect the view of the
people, after all, I’m only here to help them.”

Unlike Max Walls, who graduated from Los Angeles Trade Technical College in
1997, Larken was not always in the plumbing trade. “I’m not a career plumber”,
Larken says in a Youtube ad, “I’ve never wanted to be a plumber, in fact I never even
learned it officially, I majored in English in school. Only recently, seeing all the leaky
sinks around me, did I decide to step up to the plate. I don’t enjoy fixing your pipes,
if I did, you’d never be sure I wasn’t just planting more leaks to keep me employed.
I fix your pipes because someone has to take a stand. I’d much rather be reading
Catcher in the Rye.” Larken went on to accuse Walls of having once visited an outlet
of the American Water Company, and of having fixed boilers in Maine in 2007.
Larken lampooned Walls as “upper crust”, and “out of touch”. “If our local pipes
aren’t good enough for him,” she wrote, “perhaps our people aren’t either.”

Walls responded to accusations of having lost sight of the common man, insisting
that as a child, he too, had wanted to be an astronaut and has spent hours painting
stars on his ceiling. “Our common childhood dreams will really be
reflected in my work,” he told voters, “Keeping them in mind will really inform me
when I adjust the pitch lines in your boiler’s circulator.”

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