People are being . . . elected, or something?

Tired of the presidential debates? Afraid of the results causing change, especially
scary change? Don’t worry, readme is here to remind you about the irrelevancy of
student government elections. No, we don’t know who’s running either.

readme is puzzled by how CMU expects us to pay attention to student elections for
more than a week, especially given that negative campaigning and mudslinging
are banned. (CMU, it seems, is missing the point of elections.) But, because readme
understands its obligations as the only serious news source on campus, we bothered
to look up the positions being so valiantly fought over:

Your Senator represents their college department in discussing student projects,
and stabs Caesar when appropriate.
Your President represents CMU (presumably by dressing as Mel Gibson in
Braveheart) and oversees the executive branch.
The Vice President helps out the president (Not to be confused with the Virtue
President, who is surprisingly a dick and harms the president.)
The Student Body Vice president for Finance and the Vice President for
Organizations are noble heroes who are super-amazing, kind, wonderful, best-ever
people who decide readme’s future and award them a huge printing budget next
year (HINT HINT).

readme would also like to remind you that a few new positions have been added:
Ad Vice President – oversees graffiti on campus buildings
Sheriff – insists that this major isn’t big enough for the two of us, then persuades you
to switch into bagpiping
Speaker for the House – a small speaker in your dorm.
Speaker for House – says it’s not Lupus
Vice President of Knives and Other Pointy Things: Makes sure the Cut looks sharp
Junior Deputy Vice President – our last, unlikely hope in the case that absolutely
every other member of the government is killed.

This should be an election to acknowledge, unlike the other ones that we presume
have been going on these past few years. Facebook surveys even suggest that a
record number of student will vote this time. “Last year I got distracted and only
filled out half a ballot,” said Dennis Tracy, who enjoys the prestige of being CMU’s
only voter, “but I’m really gunning to finish it his year. I feel really good about this!”

Due to last year’s staff quitting out of boredom, readme has been put in charge of the
election. Once someone actually votes online, we can finally go home. So please vote.
Pleeeaaaseee.

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