News in Brief

Obama’s Sing’s “Sweet Home Chicago”
To stand out in the elections, Obama promises a musical presidency. All speeches
will be auto-tuned and for a large enough donation, he’ll sing Free Bird.

FDA Approves Weight Loss Pill
Instructions say the pill should only be taken with water, an hour of exercise a day,
and a well-rounded diet. Rival companies baffled, swear to figure out pill’s secret
success.

Old Books Revived with New Cultural Twist
To keep old classics relevant in a modern, globalized age, Penguin Publishers will
be infusing them with new ethnic identities. The first book printed will be “The Red
Badge of Curry”.

Utah’s Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission Seeks Actual Drinkers
A bill proposed by Board member Brian Doughty suggest drinkers should have
a voice in drinking laws, and the Board worries over how to prove that someone
really is a regular drinker. “I didn’t want someone to be able to say, ‘I had glass of
wine or a beer 10 years ago, and that makes me a consumer of alcohol,’ ” said Mr.
Doughty. Apparently frats don’t exist in Utah.

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