Mississippi to solve metaphysics by vote

In a startling win for democracy, the state of Mississippi will define “personhood”
and when life begins by popular vote. Next up on the ballot: whether souls exist.

“God has apparently dropped the ball,” admitted the governor of Jackson,
Mississippi, noting that the Supreme Being seems to have forgotten to give us a clear
definition of life. Clearly He meant Mississippi to take up the slack.

However, the Church has expressed some worry that the foundation of its beliefs
may be democratically found false, and priests like Father Jacobs are enrolling in
vocational training, “just in case”. Meanwhile, robots and zombies, long excluded,
leapt at the chance to be redefine “personhood”.

Many groups weighed in on Proposition 26’s controversial proposal that life starts
at conception. Westboro Baptists insist life really begins when you are a twinkle in
your father’s eye, or at least at your parents’ first kiss. They fear that the bill’s view
of life, which may deem miscarriages as involuntary manslaughter, is too narrow
in its definition. Meanwhile, Jewish groups have long held that a fetus is only
considered viable when it graduates from medical school, and the Zombie special
interest group claims that life begins at death.

Women have much to be thankful for if the vote passes. Although in vitro
fertilization, birth control pills, IUDs, birth control implants, Depo-Provera,
abortions, morning after pills, birth control patches, and the like would be made
illegal, pregnant woman would enjoy the special consideration of counting for two
lives. Pregnant women look forward to partying twice as hard, as not only will
they be eating for two, they’ll be living for two, too. Mississippi will also aim to
discourage condom use on census years, hoping for more electoral votes.

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