Groundbreaking Discovery Does Not Happen

In a startling discovery this week, scientists found that the laws of physics and life
as we know it have not actually been shattered, but continue in full effect. “This is
official,” said Dr. Romano P’armessano, “Physics still works, I repeat, we can confirm
that physics still works.”

This un-discovery comes after the September 2011 study that measured neutrinos
as traveling a whole 214 km/sec faster than the speed of light. (Rumors says
Einstein tried to return from the dead and smack some sense into the scientists,
but was delayed in Cleveland). New studies have now revealed that the recording
of faster-than-light speeds was a faulty result caused by a loose wire connection
between a computer and a GPS unit.

“Totally out bad,” says scientists.

Last week, scientists, finally curious about how faster than light travel had been
recorded, decided to try the study again, and this time, when results came up odd,
call tech support.

“Have you tried turning your computer on and off?”, suggested a Ms. Sunita
Gupta, “Maybe you should kick the machine, or take out your hard drive and blow
on it. Or, I guess, replug in the wires.”

Thanks to Ms. Gupta’s help, scientists ashamedly announced the completely
ordinary, not in anyway mindboggling or groundbreaking confirmation of
everything we always assumed was true came last week. Woo.

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