Facebook Solves All Problems

“We were in the middle of trying to figure out how to make that ‘unlike’
button that everyone keeps asking for,” said Robert Shennings, a programmer
at Facebook, “when we realized we needed to make something even more
important: ‘UnDate”.

In the right hand bar, next to the prompts to friend people will now be the prompts
to stop dating people. The new service all started with Shennings’ friend, Jordan.

“I was looking through Jordan’s friendships with several girls, and I realized it had
been weeks since he posted on his wife’s wall. And I was like, if you don’t have time
to send a Farmville request, then Hello-oo? What are you doing with this girl?”

Soon Shennings was suggesting breakups to nearly half of his Facebook friends. He
got so obsessed with his project he barely had time to ‘like’ when his friends poked
each other. Which is why he turned the task over to a computer program.

Now Facebook users will have the option to enable “UnDate”, an app that compares
couple’s profiles and tells them when to just be friends. The app will weigh users’
likes, levels of education, and even judge if they live close enough to make dating
worth it. “Hell, soon we might be able to go through your photos and tell you if she
or he’s out of your league” said Shennings.

One of the biggest problems would-be lovebirds have is they don’t learn from past
heartbreak. Across the internet Facebook users are becoming it’s complicated with
chemistry majors despite their previous relationships with science majors having all
failed within a month. Shennings just can’t understand it. “What are they thinking?”
He points to another soon-to-be-hapless couple: the man lists Big Bang Theory as
one of his likes, while the girl has American Idol. “They’ll always be fighting over the
remote! When will people learn?”

“UnDate” is the perfect solution to squash the blindly optimistic romantic. You
might not remember why you lost interest in your last relationship, but Facebook
knows you like it knows the back of your hand, and Facebook never forgets.

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