In 2013, Mars (the company, not the planet) plans to fight the forces of obesity by
making healthier candy bars. OF course, eating a “healthy” candy bar is a bit like
dieting by limiting yourself to un-fried Twinkies, but because of recent findings at
Mars Laboratories, the company thought it imperative to make changes.
“Apparently eating sugar awesomeness makes you fat,” said Mars’ head scientist
Theodore Figgins. “Like . . .really fat. Obese even. Who knew?”
Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Milkways, Mars, and other randomly-named candy bars, will
be cut down to 250 calories or fewer (actually true). Championing the slogan, “Same
great taste, New lower value!”, the candies won’t actually have better ingredients,
they’ll just be smaller. Therefore, large king-sized bars (deemed too large and too
imperial) will become a thing of the past, to be replaced with smaller President’s
bars. Mars is also considering making these, their largest sized candies, only
available once every four years, but that is a development that is still in the works.
Mars will also be introducing the “funnest” size candy bars, which will still be bite-
sized but only to small rodents. Market predictions say that other food products are
expected to follow suit. Already, Outback Steakhouse is breeding pigmy cows so it
can offer smaller steaks. Coke is introducing “Coke Lite”, an alternate type of “diet”
coke that is in fact, physically lighter, because the coke bottle is only half full (or half
empty, depending on your outlook on life).
“We determined that candy is making Americans so fat because people can’t resist
consuming every bit of chocolate in sight,” said Figgins. “It’s either shrink products
or stab people’s eyes out, and only one of those gets repeat business.”