Last Thursday, doctors at UPMC attempted the first ever candyheart transplant. The
patient, known only as the Gingerbread Man, entered the hospital complaining of
shortness of breath. The doctors, after holding him up to a stethoscope, concluded
that this was probably because he had no breath at all. After a more through
examination, the situation appeared quite grave: the Gingerbread Man’s heart was
Despite the Gingerbread Man’s lack of health insurance, the hospital agreed to treat
him anyway, noting that, as he could effectively treated with a pair of tweezers
and a dollar’s worth of candy, costs were low. One doctor grumbled worried about
the precedents this would make. “Next we’ll be treating animal crackers,” he said.
Others pointed out that this was silly, as animal crackers would clearly be referred
to a vet. That settled, the doctors gathered to do their part to ensure that run, run, as
fast as he can, Death would not catch this gingerbread man.
While the cookie man was put under anesthetic, doctors attempted to locate a donor
heart. Troubles began when they emptied an entire box of Sweethearts candies
without finding a matching blue “Be Mine” heart. After much debate on whether
to use a purple “Love You” heart or a green “Hug Me”, the doctors went with the
Typically during a heart transplant, the surgeon would make an incision to open the
patient’s chest and access the heart, but in the Gingerbread Man’s case, his heart was
stuck on top of his chest with frosting. The head surgeon mimed an incision anyway
for the sake of the students.
After the procedure, the Gingerbread Man regained full consciousness with no signs
of damage. As the cookie’s heart was never beating in the first place, some doctor
wondered what damage, exactly, could have happened.
It is rumored that this success story is in the works to become a heart-tugging
drama starring Neil Patrick Harris as the doctor.