Bus Cuts to Threaten Real Standards, Imaginary Trolley

In a recent announcement, Port Authority warned Pittsburgh that as a result of
severe lack of state funding, cuts will be made to many public transportation routes,
including the 54, 64, 75, 28X, 61, and 71 buses, and, most drastically, Mr. Roger’s
Neighborhood Trolley. While cuts on regular buses are scheduled to start next
September, the Trolley cuts have already been implemented. The head of Port
Authority was quick to reassure parents that the Trolley will not be completely
shut down, but will run a very limited schedule, likely only to cover Wednesday

“I’m just not sure how else we’ll get them there,” said Ms. Priscilla Pern, a preschool
teacher in Squirrel Hill, who worries that children will only be able to visit the
Neighborhood of Make-Believe once a week. “Some families can’t afford cars, and
even parents with cars won’t always be free to drive.” readme sought King Friday
for comments, but due to travel difficulties, will have to wait until next Wednesday
to interview him.

“Don’t look at this as something that strands people, look at this as something that
fosters community,” the governor of Pittsburgh explained, noting that now it will
be next to impossible to leave the suburbs to visit people or businesses. “It’s a time
for relationships within Bloomfield to bloom, for Make-Believers to make-do. . . .”
The governor added that late-night bus service will be scaled back the most. Officials
judged this the most prudent option, because in the nighttime it’s too dark for
anyone to see you, making it the safest time to walk home.

Pittsburgh should soon see tangible benefits of the budget plan, the governor added.
Although the plan also calls for layoffs, slashing bus routes by 40% is expected to
more than make up for this by ensuring that wealth stays in the Steel City, as with
the 28x no longer going to the airport, it will be a herculean effort to leave. Straight
up blockading Pittsburgh would have been too obvious, he said.

In a last desperate attempt to sell isolating much of the city, the governor’s office
optimistically branded the elimination of 40 routes a jumpstart for personal fitness.
Instead of riding the bus like a lazy schmuck, Pittsburghers will now be forced to
bike or walk to access the city. Rachel Waters, working mother of four, says the
trip to Target will likely add an extra hour of exercise to her schedule; “I expect
the aerobic benefits will balance out the heart damage from added stress. At this
rate I may live my exhausting life just long enough for my body to fall apart on me.
Of course, if the route to my job gets eliminated, I’ll have so much free time while
unemployed, getting to Target won’t push back my schedule much at all.”

Bike routes to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe have not yet been found.

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