Bird Flu for Everyone!

Recently scientists have taken the H5N1 bird flu, a noncontagious highly deadly
disease and given it a makeover: it’s now a highly contagious highly deadly disease.
Fearing the disaster that could happen if the disease mutated, scientist decided to
jump the gun and mutate the disease themselves. Before this great year, if you found
Russian Roulette too easy and wanted try your odds on being one of the mere 40%
of infected people to survive the bird flu, you had to actually be around birds to
contract it. Thanks to recent scientific discoveries, H 5N1 is now as easy to catch as
the common cold.

Of course, it’s not like the disease is just running wild; it’s only a risk if it gets
out of the lab. And it’s not like scientists take H5N1, the subject of virologist Robert G.
Webster’s succinctly-titled article, “The world is teetering on the edge of a pandemic
that could kill a large fraction of the human population”, lightly. We have a whole lab
wall between us and the Apocalypse.

“I don’t know what the problem is,” insisted the head scientist of the research
team, “we’re even using labs with the second highest level safety rating. Also,” he
added, “I have never heard of I am Legend, The Stand, Y: the Last Man, 28 Days Later,
Serenity, or Outbreak, so I don’t know why everyone keeps asking.”

Later projects planned by the lab include making nuclear reactors more
likely to explode and robots more prone to violent rebellion.

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