Somehow Justin Bieber’s singing in the shower throws preteen girls into wild
frenzies of lust and admiration.” Whence does this unholy power come from?”,
everyone who graduated 7th grade is asking themselves, “and why can’t I do the
“Justin is just so deep” sighed 13 year-old Samantha Williams, citing Bieber’s famous
song “Baby”. She sang us an enlightening rendition of the chorus, which uses a
whole ten unique words. The song features such stunning instances of wordplay and
parallelism as “Like baby, baby, baby no” followed by the witty rhyme “like baby,
baby, baby oh”.
In an attempt to save our future from people who think “Baby” is the new “1812
Overture”, music lovers across the globe have joined together in an intervention.
Jerry’s Records on Murray St. has been blasting Lady Gaga’s Alejandro 24-7,
hoping to steer young music consumers like Ms. Williams onto a slightly less self-
harmful path. Yes, the manager admitted, Gaga’s chorus may insist entirely of some
Hispanic’s name, “but at least it’s written by someone who’s been through puberty.”
After all, Lady Gaga is an adult, and her songs are the result of artistic choices, not a
1,000 word vocabulary.
The CEO of Newbury Comics has also joined the effort, advocating a return to “the
good ol’ days” of music, when songs were still written, not vomited up. Stores across
the country will be playing classic favorites, such as The Carpenters, whose 1976
tour of Japan, was, according to Rolling Stones “the biggest-grossing concert ever
in that country”. Their song “Superstars” is deceivingly simple, only 202 words.
While some lines sound surprisingly similar to Bieber’s work, a close examination
reveals a world of difference. When this 3-time Grammy-winning duo busts out
the line “Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby,” its clear they know what they’re talking
Realizing the direness of the situation, even readme has volunteered to take a stand.
Hoping to appeal to aboslutely everyone ever, readme will be blasting songs the
Beatles, the only band that all nations have legally obliged their citizens to like, from
the AB offices. Whereas a whole 42% of the chorus of Bieber’s “Baby” is made up
of the title word, the more respected Lady Gaga uses “Alejandro” as only 100% of
the chorus? Well, at least where “baby” is 13% of Bieber’s total lyrics, the Grammy-
winning Carpenters are wise enough to only use “baby” as . . . 14% of “Superstars”,
and the Beatles’ beloved “Love Me Do”, has love as a mere . . 22% of the song. Jesus
Christ music is awful.