Town Manager: “Swearing is fucking awful”

Afraid that the nation would only remember Massachusetts for the “Big Dig”, Middleborough, MA recently added a swearing ban to the ongoing list of state fuckups. Under the new policy, profanity in anything other than “casual or private conversations” is punishable by a $20 fine.

Middleborough’s city council was quick to assure that the profanity ban does not violate the First Amendment, because it only outlaws swearing loudly and “you can have free speech as long as we don’t hear it.” When the American Civil Liberties Union objected to the ban, Middleborough added “ACLU” to its list of profanities. As no one is allowed to actually read the list of profanities out loud without incurring a fine, most townspeople don’t actually know which swears are included in the ban. “The only thing I’m sure I can’t say is ACLU” added one townsperson, who asked to remain anonymous but was ignored (it was Kevin).

Middleborough’s profanity ban has recently come under fire in court, where a boy contested being fined, insisting he said “frickin’” not “fuckin’”. During the long trial, lawyers, witnesses, and the judge were unable to sustain discussion on the testimony as the ban forced them to pay swearing fines into a giant goldfish bowl.  Eventually the judge declared that this case was “fucking stupid”, threw another $20 into the bowl, and dismissed the case.

Middleborough’s profanity policy was originally enacted when adults complained that loudly swearing teens are intimidating, and one storeowner worried that her pansy-ass clients would get scared off by the boisterous vulgarity. New policies to ban glaring and “being a meanieface” are slated for vote in December. Policymakers uniformly agree this is a cheaper and more effective method to reduce swearing than trying to teach social skills to Massholes.

Though some have contested this shitty ban, Congress announced it will implement its own version at the federal level. House Republicans said in a press conference that they would like to alert Rep. Lisa Brown that “vagina” will be on the top of the list. Not to be outdone, Democrats have added the phrase “Santorum”, thus causing heavy fines every time the Republicans try to vote on anything ever.

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