President Desperately Searches for Sob Story to Back Policies

White House assistants reported that last night Obama woke up with a start, shouting, “Find me a relative!”

“He said, ‘I know how to restore the economy and end global terrorism’ ” reported page Billy Cole. He reports that the president woke [Cole] up by stumbling down the stairs in red, white, and blue footie pajamas, clutching a sheaf of scribbled notes.

“If I can’t tell an anecdote about a poor relative, no one will believe offering tax breaks on mortgages, but not tax breaks to renters is an inefficient way of encouraging investment in a community, or that a more effective method to prevent a widening wealth gap is to eliminate corporate taxes and instead adjust the tax on the rich,” the President of the United States is reported to have said, “If only my grandmother had looked at me on her deathbed, a tear trickling from one eye, and said that the one thing that stifled her dreams of being a painter were the ridiculous tax exempt employee benefits like healthcare.”

President Obama reportedly banged his head against the wall, fell to his knees, and cursed the heavens for having only provided him with the testimony of experts.  “All I have is statistics and evidence!” the Leader of the Free World wailed, knowing voters are too clever to believe cold facts.

The White House issued a $1,000 prize to come forward with a personal story about tax reform and counterterrorism strategy. Anecdotes must be emotional enough to give the President an individual reason for wanting to do improve his country, but not so maudlin that he sounds like a pansy.

People with said story should contact the Federal Bureau of Pathos before the election on November 6th.

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